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Monday, April 24, 2006
Dreading Naptime
Carolyn, 33 from CA asks:
My otherwise sweet, intelligent and well-behaved toddler becomes an absolute possessed monster at naptime. I have striven to have a predictable routine for her stability and comfort. I have tried different things to help her feel good about laying down, however, nothing seems to work! She may lay right down with no fussing, then WHAMM-O! We spend the entire afternoon in a battle of wills.
Her manipulative tricks include screaming that she 'needs you, Mommy!' and 'I need a hug!' - when that fails, she actually throws things across the room, and has even broken things before (lamp, cassette player).
My dilemma is that while I have tried everything I have seen on Nanny 911/SuperNanny, I am torn between a) feeling like I need to address it when she throws/breaks something and b) ignoring her completely (not feeding into it). I know this is a classic power struggle and that her tantrum and throwing is designed to get me to come into the room. She has stated outright that she is fine with getting a spanking when she throws something, because that makes me come into the room.
But am I doing the right thing to ignore when she is throwing things around the room like a little demon? Or am I wrong to go in and swat her butt, but not talk? Am I wrong to turn her around and march her back into our room and put her back in her bed, the twenty-odd times she gets up?
I'm dreading each naptime and each bedtime... this is not good. I want to replace these destructive, negative, counter-productive cycles with postive and productive ones.
Stacy Says:
Wow, Carolyn, you've got a handful! (I know, they call me Mrs. Obvious) I actually had to give this alot of thought. It seems you've tried all the approaches--ignoring, not talking, marching her back in there, even spanking but THIS child isn't responding to any of it. By the way, I don't think you should ever spank without talking. Always give a reason--I think it establishes a trusting relationship with your child--they know that when they get disciplined it's for a reason that you as the parent have made clear.
If she's actually telling you she just wants you to come in there--is she just wanting cuddling? Affection? Our daughter sometimes can't get to sleep without us holding her. She just loves to be hugged when she goes to sleep--when she's awake she's all over and into everything, but as she gets sleepy she wants her mommy or daddy. And against lots of "expert" advice, we just lay down with her for naps--occasionally at bedtime if it's necessary. For our own sanity, we didn't want to spend entire afternoons and evenings in a battle of wills. And it's something she seems to crave and so we let her have that.
I will say however, the tantrum with throwing and breaking things...Oh no, she doesn't get away with that. You have to discipline that behavior which it sounds like you are doing a great job of. While Supernanny might do some good, I'm skeptic to alot of her tactics. (I mean really, keep putting her back to bed 20-something times--who has that kind of time?) Your daughter is coming right out and telling you she just wants you in there and doing anything and even enduring pain to get you in there. She wants your attention even if it's negative. Are you away from her alot? Have you noticed her being an overly affectionate child? Does she have to split her time with you with siblings? She might just crave extra hugs and cuddles and so for that reason I suggest laying down with her. If for no other reason you've tried everything else.
Try giving her that extra affection and attention and that might put an end to the tantrums. However, I don't advise giving into her WHILE she's having a tantrum. Maybe as she gets ready for a nap say, "Mommy will lay down with you." See if she calms down with that assurance that you're gonna be beside her. Let me know if it helps!
My otherwise sweet, intelligent and well-behaved toddler becomes an absolute possessed monster at naptime. I have striven to have a predictable routine for her stability and comfort. I have tried different things to help her feel good about laying down, however, nothing seems to work! She may lay right down with no fussing, then WHAMM-O! We spend the entire afternoon in a battle of wills.
Her manipulative tricks include screaming that she 'needs you, Mommy!' and 'I need a hug!' - when that fails, she actually throws things across the room, and has even broken things before (lamp, cassette player).
My dilemma is that while I have tried everything I have seen on Nanny 911/SuperNanny, I am torn between a) feeling like I need to address it when she throws/breaks something and b) ignoring her completely (not feeding into it). I know this is a classic power struggle and that her tantrum and throwing is designed to get me to come into the room. She has stated outright that she is fine with getting a spanking when she throws something, because that makes me come into the room.
But am I doing the right thing to ignore when she is throwing things around the room like a little demon? Or am I wrong to go in and swat her butt, but not talk? Am I wrong to turn her around and march her back into our room and put her back in her bed, the twenty-odd times she gets up?
I'm dreading each naptime and each bedtime... this is not good. I want to replace these destructive, negative, counter-productive cycles with postive and productive ones.
Stacy Says:
Wow, Carolyn, you've got a handful! (I know, they call me Mrs. Obvious) I actually had to give this alot of thought. It seems you've tried all the approaches--ignoring, not talking, marching her back in there, even spanking but THIS child isn't responding to any of it. By the way, I don't think you should ever spank without talking. Always give a reason--I think it establishes a trusting relationship with your child--they know that when they get disciplined it's for a reason that you as the parent have made clear.
If she's actually telling you she just wants you to come in there--is she just wanting cuddling? Affection? Our daughter sometimes can't get to sleep without us holding her. She just loves to be hugged when she goes to sleep--when she's awake she's all over and into everything, but as she gets sleepy she wants her mommy or daddy. And against lots of "expert" advice, we just lay down with her for naps--occasionally at bedtime if it's necessary. For our own sanity, we didn't want to spend entire afternoons and evenings in a battle of wills. And it's something she seems to crave and so we let her have that.
I will say however, the tantrum with throwing and breaking things...Oh no, she doesn't get away with that. You have to discipline that behavior which it sounds like you are doing a great job of. While Supernanny might do some good, I'm skeptic to alot of her tactics. (I mean really, keep putting her back to bed 20-something times--who has that kind of time?) Your daughter is coming right out and telling you she just wants you in there and doing anything and even enduring pain to get you in there. She wants your attention even if it's negative. Are you away from her alot? Have you noticed her being an overly affectionate child? Does she have to split her time with you with siblings? She might just crave extra hugs and cuddles and so for that reason I suggest laying down with her. If for no other reason you've tried everything else.
Try giving her that extra affection and attention and that might put an end to the tantrums. However, I don't advise giving into her WHILE she's having a tantrum. Maybe as she gets ready for a nap say, "Mommy will lay down with you." See if she calms down with that assurance that you're gonna be beside her. Let me know if it helps!
