Friday, March 03, 2006
She Won't Put Out
Barry, 37
South Africa
Asks:
I was recently married after a 5 year courtship. We are both very much in love with each other, except recently she seems to prefer not making love, but just reading or watching a movie until very late, in fact just until I am asleep and then she will go to bed. I have confronted her about this a few times now, but she just laughs it off and says that I am imagining things.
We have always had a very good sex life and she also knows that I am a bit over active sexually, but she sort of ignores me totally when it comes to lovemaking, no matter how hard I try.
The problem is my ex has been calling me recently and I mentioned it to my wife (we have no secrets and keep nothing from each other). My ex has been asking me to see her (just for old times sake) and as much as I know I can and will resist her, I sometimes get so tired waiting for my wife to come around that I'm scared I would do what I shouldn’t ....
Lee’s Thoughts:
Barry, First, I know you already painfully know this, but a woman’s libido is generally less intense then that of a man. Another thing to think about is her birth control. Hormonal birth control such as the pill can drastically decrease a woman’s sexual urges. Maybe she would be open to finding another b/c option that uses a lesser degree of hormones.
In any case, you need to make her understand that sex is not just a way for you to get off. When you want to make love to her, you aren’t simply horny. Tell her that you can get it from your ex, or a prostitute on the street, or even from yourself in the shower, but to you, sex is about EXPRESSING YOUR LOVE FOR HER. This is a way for you to be close to HER, not to just get your rocks off.
The women’s liberation movement has portrayed men as oversexed morons. Men are mocked for wanting sex and wanting to be close to the woman they love. This is insane. We want men to be strong and protective and providing, but we laugh at them when they want sex and then beat them down emotionally by repeatedly rebuffing their advances. I hope all the married women reading this please take note…MEN ARE EASY. If you truly love your man, if you don’t want him to start pondering going back to his ex just because she will provide the affection he is lacking in his marriage…you better take care of him!!
This man will walk through fire for you. Why would you deny him AND YOURSELF the opportunity to be close to him? Why would you not ignite the FIREWORKS that can fuel your life, your relationship, and your health, which would in turn allow you to sustain through a day of your long list of other responsibilities?
Everyone today has a million responsibilities, men AND women. But it’s crazy to me that women put sex and their men as the very last of their priorities, somewhere below cleaning the oven or pulling weeds in the garden, when our husbands should be at the very TOP of the list, earning our MOST attention.
Barry, I am so sorry about your situation. I know you have tried to talk to your wife, but you must try again. Try to approach it as seriously as you can, without making it sound like you are begging for sex. Try to tell her how much you love her and that this is your way of expressing it. Tell her that right now, it seems like your ex is more willing to show you affection than she is and that’s not right. Ask her why she isn’t willing to share her affection. Tell her how much it hurts you every time she turns you down.
Finally, ask her if she is happy in the marriage at all. Tell her that this does not seem like the attitude of a happy wife and you would be willing to do whatever it takes to improve the situation.
You need to make her realize that she is putting her marriage at risk with this behavior.
Good Luck.
South Africa
Asks:
I was recently married after a 5 year courtship. We are both very much in love with each other, except recently she seems to prefer not making love, but just reading or watching a movie until very late, in fact just until I am asleep and then she will go to bed. I have confronted her about this a few times now, but she just laughs it off and says that I am imagining things.
We have always had a very good sex life and she also knows that I am a bit over active sexually, but she sort of ignores me totally when it comes to lovemaking, no matter how hard I try.
The problem is my ex has been calling me recently and I mentioned it to my wife (we have no secrets and keep nothing from each other). My ex has been asking me to see her (just for old times sake) and as much as I know I can and will resist her, I sometimes get so tired waiting for my wife to come around that I'm scared I would do what I shouldn’t ....
Lee’s Thoughts:
Barry, First, I know you already painfully know this, but a woman’s libido is generally less intense then that of a man. Another thing to think about is her birth control. Hormonal birth control such as the pill can drastically decrease a woman’s sexual urges. Maybe she would be open to finding another b/c option that uses a lesser degree of hormones.
In any case, you need to make her understand that sex is not just a way for you to get off. When you want to make love to her, you aren’t simply horny. Tell her that you can get it from your ex, or a prostitute on the street, or even from yourself in the shower, but to you, sex is about EXPRESSING YOUR LOVE FOR HER. This is a way for you to be close to HER, not to just get your rocks off.
The women’s liberation movement has portrayed men as oversexed morons. Men are mocked for wanting sex and wanting to be close to the woman they love. This is insane. We want men to be strong and protective and providing, but we laugh at them when they want sex and then beat them down emotionally by repeatedly rebuffing their advances. I hope all the married women reading this please take note…MEN ARE EASY. If you truly love your man, if you don’t want him to start pondering going back to his ex just because she will provide the affection he is lacking in his marriage…you better take care of him!!
This man will walk through fire for you. Why would you deny him AND YOURSELF the opportunity to be close to him? Why would you not ignite the FIREWORKS that can fuel your life, your relationship, and your health, which would in turn allow you to sustain through a day of your long list of other responsibilities?
Everyone today has a million responsibilities, men AND women. But it’s crazy to me that women put sex and their men as the very last of their priorities, somewhere below cleaning the oven or pulling weeds in the garden, when our husbands should be at the very TOP of the list, earning our MOST attention.
Barry, I am so sorry about your situation. I know you have tried to talk to your wife, but you must try again. Try to approach it as seriously as you can, without making it sound like you are begging for sex. Try to tell her how much you love her and that this is your way of expressing it. Tell her that right now, it seems like your ex is more willing to show you affection than she is and that’s not right. Ask her why she isn’t willing to share her affection. Tell her how much it hurts you every time she turns you down.
Finally, ask her if she is happy in the marriage at all. Tell her that this does not seem like the attitude of a happy wife and you would be willing to do whatever it takes to improve the situation.
You need to make her realize that she is putting her marriage at risk with this behavior.
Good Luck.
