Ana, 28, from Nederlands asks:

My boyfriend told me in January "you are the one", involved me in the decisions about his new apartment calling me "the boss", we were making plans of visiting my parents in Portugal. Anyway, love was in the air. Somewhere in the middle of February he starts being evasive about future plans, he needs time for himself, still caring for me and taking little actions for me even when I don't know (organizing things for me at work that he knew I had to take care of). During this period he was complaining about small things I did, like not putting the blanket back or so...Problem: he decides that is over, comes to my place, tells me in the middle of enormous amount of tears. We work in the same place, when he sees me he makes this guilt face, if we are alone he would start crying at the same time asking how I was. After two weeks I decide to go on a week vacation with friends because seeing him every day is a bit difficult. When I return I see that he is now together with a girl from the same building at work. A girl that was sending him e-mails and cards. My questions: Does he like me but the attraction of having somebody else was too strong? Why did he cry so much after the break up? Was it because he was not sure about what he wanted or out of guilt? Do you think he will miss me in few months when the relationship with this other girl loses the excitment of the first times? What I mean is, is she basically a tool for him to feel good? The only problem I have to get over him is believing in the feeling he had before were strong!

VictorM's answer:

He fell in love with someone else. He tried to fight it off hoping it was just a phase. So he become even closer to you hoping the feelings for the other girl would die down (that's the "you're the one" period). Then, when his feelings didn't subside, he started looking for defects in you (that's the "blanket in the wrong place" period) to convince himself you weren't "the one" after all. Then, when his feelings for the other girl were still strong, he made a decision.

It's possible that he's a serial fall-in-and-out-of-love kinda guy but I don't think so because of the guilt he has shown and the steps he went through to avoid it. I believe he's in love with this other girl.

His guilt is not a reflection of the love he felt for you -- he might have been in love with you, he might not, I don't know -- but that guilt is a way for him to live with himself in the future. By crying, by feeling bad, by demonstrating guilt, he's paying a penitence that will entitle him to be with her guilt-free. I hate to say this, but I don't think he's coming back to you. Even if things with the new girl don't work out he's burned the emotional bridge to you. The decision he made isn't so much that he's in love with her; it's that you are not his "one".

So the last question is, were his feelings for you real? I really can't say, but it's entirely possible that they were. Even if you are "in love", you can meet someone new that turns your world upside down. It happened to him; it could happen to you.

So what does that mean about future relationships? Could this happen again? The answer is yes. And that's why you should live for the moment, making the best of each day you spend with the person you are in love with. They could be gone tomorrow by death, by betrayal, or by a change of heart.

For you, it will take time to get over this. You will miss him. And as we say:

"A saudade é um luto
Uma dor, uma aflição
É um cortinado roxo
Que me cobre o coração"

But we also say:

"Não há mal que por bem não venha".

You will find someone better. That's a promise.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend