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Friday, February 03, 2006
The Silent Treatment
Joe, 19
New York
Asks:
I've been in this relationship for three years and we get along fine most of the time. Every now and then we have problems just like anybody else, but the main thing is, our communication. Problems always start with me getting a bad vibe from her acting really quiet. I persist in trying to get through to her, but she is like a brick wall and says she feels too uncomfortable talking with me about the stuff that's bothering her. I'm open all of the time about my feelings and it just seems unfair for her to hold back most of the time. I feel as though after three years of dating, we should be closer and have more of a connection. How should I go about approaching her and getting her to open up? Being agressive will only build up her defenses and being passive to a bad vibe makes it seem like I just don't care. I feel like this is a stupid problem, but maybe it would make more sense from a woman's perspective. Help me!
Lee's Thoughts:
Joe, Joe, Joe...get out of my head! Honestly, I frickin DID THIS TO MY SO (significant other) LAST NIGHT. Girls are insane. I know, because I am one.
Boys are straight-forward and blackandwhite.
Girls are wacky, hormonal, complex, and (so many times) ANNOYING.
Again, I know this because I am all these things (on semi-rare occasions...ahem).
I am usually annoying myself the most when I get that way.
Your girl should get on her knees and (no, not that dirtymind) thank the universe that she has a man who notices and actually cares when she is upset. This is a sign of a man who really loves his woman.
When girls do this, they really are upset/stressing/pondering/worrying/evaluating
something.
It could be a large or small issue. It doesn't matter, she's cinched about it and she's trying to resolve it in her head.
Orrr YOU DID something and she's pissed. In this case, I would assume that she would tell you what it is if you asked....Keep in mind this could be something like, you walked by her on her left side instead of her right and she thinks this means you hate her...or you said "hmmm" instead of "awww" and she thinks this means you hate her. You never know, so you have to ask.
(I'm sort of kidding, sort of not).
However, you say that the problem is that you do ask and you get no response. Have you ever gotten a response? What did she say? Did she ever give you an indication of what was on her mind in the past?
You need to help her get to a *safe place*. Whenever this comes up, you need to put your arms softly around her, look deeply into her eyes (cheesy, but it works) and say,
"I love you. It hurts me to see you upset. I would love to help. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
If she hold back a little, it may be something serious. Let her know that there is nothing she can tell you that would make you love her less. Let her know that she cannot scare you away and it would really make YOU feel loved if she would share her mind.
This seems simplistic, but usually a girl just needs to feel seen, heard, and cared about at these moments. She needs to feel safe to express whatever craziness is in her head.
You may also try this tactic when she's NOT giving you the silent treatment. Tell her how that crapola makes you feel. When she's not in the midst of the mental turmoil, she may be better able to discuss it and hear what you have to say.
HOWEVER, if you try all of this and she continues to shut you down and out. You need to (softly at first, then more firmly) tell her that this is unacceptable. No relationship can survive when communication isn't happening. It's a simple fact. If she doesn't want to communicate with you, she doesn't want to be with you. (Maybe a little *tough love* is in order). Maybe this approach would get through to her.
You deserve a woman who will respect you enough to let you in on her thoughts and not pull this silent bitchiness all the time. Keep that in mind.
Good luck!!
New York
Asks:
I've been in this relationship for three years and we get along fine most of the time. Every now and then we have problems just like anybody else, but the main thing is, our communication. Problems always start with me getting a bad vibe from her acting really quiet. I persist in trying to get through to her, but she is like a brick wall and says she feels too uncomfortable talking with me about the stuff that's bothering her. I'm open all of the time about my feelings and it just seems unfair for her to hold back most of the time. I feel as though after three years of dating, we should be closer and have more of a connection. How should I go about approaching her and getting her to open up? Being agressive will only build up her defenses and being passive to a bad vibe makes it seem like I just don't care. I feel like this is a stupid problem, but maybe it would make more sense from a woman's perspective. Help me!
Lee's Thoughts:
Joe, Joe, Joe...get out of my head! Honestly, I frickin DID THIS TO MY SO (significant other) LAST NIGHT. Girls are insane. I know, because I am one.
Boys are straight-forward and blackandwhite.
Girls are wacky, hormonal, complex, and (so many times) ANNOYING.
Again, I know this because I am all these things (on semi-rare occasions...ahem).
I am usually annoying myself the most when I get that way.
Your girl should get on her knees and (no, not that dirtymind) thank the universe that she has a man who notices and actually cares when she is upset. This is a sign of a man who really loves his woman.
When girls do this, they really are upset/stressing/pondering/worrying/evaluating
something.
It could be a large or small issue. It doesn't matter, she's cinched about it and she's trying to resolve it in her head.
Orrr YOU DID something and she's pissed. In this case, I would assume that she would tell you what it is if you asked....Keep in mind this could be something like, you walked by her on her left side instead of her right and she thinks this means you hate her...or you said "hmmm" instead of "awww" and she thinks this means you hate her. You never know, so you have to ask.
(I'm sort of kidding, sort of not).
However, you say that the problem is that you do ask and you get no response. Have you ever gotten a response? What did she say? Did she ever give you an indication of what was on her mind in the past?
You need to help her get to a *safe place*. Whenever this comes up, you need to put your arms softly around her, look deeply into her eyes (cheesy, but it works) and say,
"I love you. It hurts me to see you upset. I would love to help. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
If she hold back a little, it may be something serious. Let her know that there is nothing she can tell you that would make you love her less. Let her know that she cannot scare you away and it would really make YOU feel loved if she would share her mind.
This seems simplistic, but usually a girl just needs to feel seen, heard, and cared about at these moments. She needs to feel safe to express whatever craziness is in her head.
You may also try this tactic when she's NOT giving you the silent treatment. Tell her how that crapola makes you feel. When she's not in the midst of the mental turmoil, she may be better able to discuss it and hear what you have to say.
HOWEVER, if you try all of this and she continues to shut you down and out. You need to (softly at first, then more firmly) tell her that this is unacceptable. No relationship can survive when communication isn't happening. It's a simple fact. If she doesn't want to communicate with you, she doesn't want to be with you. (Maybe a little *tough love* is in order). Maybe this approach would get through to her.
You deserve a woman who will respect you enough to let you in on her thoughts and not pull this silent bitchiness all the time. Keep that in mind.
Good luck!!
