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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Recovering from a Breakup
Jo, 27
London
Asks:
I met an Australian guy in London a couple of years ago and we became really friendly then a few weeks before he was due to go home he told me he'd been in love with me for ages. I'd started to feel the same way and we ended up having a really intense relationship before he went home. I was really sad to see him go and decided to go out to Australia to be with him a couple of months later.
When I got out there he was a different person. He hardly had any time for me and preferred to sit around his mate's house most evenings and get stoned. He'd also flirt with other women when we went out and be really arrogant and cocky towards me.
In the end he dumped me and I felt like complete shit with no one to turn to. I ended up booking my flight home. He phoned me 2 days before I was due to leave but I refused to see him with no further discussion and haven't bothered contacting him since. He hasn't contacted me either.
The thing is I'm finding it so hard to get over him. He was my dream guy. We had such a connection. We had made all these plans. He said he wanted to marry me and even talked about having kids. I don't understand why he suddenly changed so much. Sometimes I feel as though I'm getting over it but then it seems to come in waves. Do you think I've done the right thing by not contacting him? Sometimes I wonder if having had contact with all this time would make a difference to the way I feel.
Lee's Thoughts:
I don't think he "changed". I think he was on holiday (vacation) when he met you in London. Then, in Australia, you got to see him in his home habitat. Unfortunately, that is his *true self*. If you were to marry him, THAT is how your life would be. He would STILL have no time for you, and he would STILL spend all his time at his mate's house getting stoned. Don't be one of those girls that thinks that everything will change and become magical after a big fluffy wedding.
Is this really a *dream guy* ?
I think you did exactly the right thing. I'm sure it wasn't easy and it probably won't be for a while. The thing with long distance romance is that you can create its perfection in your head. You can make it whatever you want to be and sometimes your brain can convince yourself that it is more wonderful than it actually is.
I have no doubt that you had a great connection with this man. But you need to just appreciate it for that. A great *connection* does not necessarily mean that he would be a great husband, partner, or father.
You did great. The healing process is not a straight line from hurt to free. The path is more like a jagged lightning bolt. Some days you will feel better, some days you'll feel worse. What's important to remember is that each day, you are always progressing...away from him, away from the pain...and towards the future, towards someone who will treat you like a goddess.
As for contacting him....DON'T. You need to moooove on and do it on your own. Contacting him will only inhibit your progress. He's not the one. There's a MUCH better guy out there for you.
London
Asks:
I met an Australian guy in London a couple of years ago and we became really friendly then a few weeks before he was due to go home he told me he'd been in love with me for ages. I'd started to feel the same way and we ended up having a really intense relationship before he went home. I was really sad to see him go and decided to go out to Australia to be with him a couple of months later.
When I got out there he was a different person. He hardly had any time for me and preferred to sit around his mate's house most evenings and get stoned. He'd also flirt with other women when we went out and be really arrogant and cocky towards me.
In the end he dumped me and I felt like complete shit with no one to turn to. I ended up booking my flight home. He phoned me 2 days before I was due to leave but I refused to see him with no further discussion and haven't bothered contacting him since. He hasn't contacted me either.
The thing is I'm finding it so hard to get over him. He was my dream guy. We had such a connection. We had made all these plans. He said he wanted to marry me and even talked about having kids. I don't understand why he suddenly changed so much. Sometimes I feel as though I'm getting over it but then it seems to come in waves. Do you think I've done the right thing by not contacting him? Sometimes I wonder if having had contact with all this time would make a difference to the way I feel.
Lee's Thoughts:
I don't think he "changed". I think he was on holiday (vacation) when he met you in London. Then, in Australia, you got to see him in his home habitat. Unfortunately, that is his *true self*. If you were to marry him, THAT is how your life would be. He would STILL have no time for you, and he would STILL spend all his time at his mate's house getting stoned. Don't be one of those girls that thinks that everything will change and become magical after a big fluffy wedding.
Is this really a *dream guy* ?
I think you did exactly the right thing. I'm sure it wasn't easy and it probably won't be for a while. The thing with long distance romance is that you can create its perfection in your head. You can make it whatever you want to be and sometimes your brain can convince yourself that it is more wonderful than it actually is.
I have no doubt that you had a great connection with this man. But you need to just appreciate it for that. A great *connection* does not necessarily mean that he would be a great husband, partner, or father.
You did great. The healing process is not a straight line from hurt to free. The path is more like a jagged lightning bolt. Some days you will feel better, some days you'll feel worse. What's important to remember is that each day, you are always progressing...away from him, away from the pain...and towards the future, towards someone who will treat you like a goddess.
As for contacting him....DON'T. You need to moooove on and do it on your own. Contacting him will only inhibit your progress. He's not the one. There's a MUCH better guy out there for you.
