Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Online long distance relationship: good or bad?
sarah, 27, from netherlands, asks: I am in a long distance relationship with a 29 year old guy who is living in USA. We can't see each other now, we know each other for 4 months, and I can't say that I am in love with him now, but I like to know him much more now. I enjoy talking with him, and receiving mails from him, but I don't know if long distance relationships work. What is the best I can do now? I will appreciate your advice, thanks.
VictorM's advice: There's a lot of debate over long distance relationships using the internet as the form of communication. You hear some success stories, but I believe those are a minuscule number compared to the "relationships" that go no where.
I think there are enough problems with online relationships that leads me to the advice that they are usually a waste of time and a bad idea. Namely:
VictorM's advice: There's a lot of debate over long distance relationships using the internet as the form of communication. You hear some success stories, but I believe those are a minuscule number compared to the "relationships" that go no where.
I think there are enough problems with online relationships that leads me to the advice that they are usually a waste of time and a bad idea. Namely:
- The attraction is mostly a fantasy. You know a little about someone and you fill-in these wonderful qualities you expect the other person to have, most often to be disappointed because no one can live up to your imagination.
- The communication is grossly distorted. Both parties have far too much time to respond, something you don't have in real life and which is what causes so much grief. You really aren't getting a sense of the other person's true character.
- When one of the parties is annoyed it's too easy to get offline by making up excuses you can't verify, therefore blocking you from seeing that person's true patience level or temper.
- It's far too easy to carry on such conversations and "relationships" with several people at once. This is very common among guys who all want to be Casanova. And you'll never know if that's what's going on.
- Most importantly, you lack physical contact. We're very physical beings and without hugging, kissing, feeling, etc. there's a huge gap. Without physical contact, you never form a bond. Never! Oh you will have a character to chat with, but it's a hallow experience unless it gets converted to in-person contact.
Long term online relationships are for people who think life is a fairy tale. I say make real life friends, go out, dance, drink, laugh, hold hands, have sex, talk, fight, makeup... you'll be much better of.
What you're doing right now is not much different from reading a romance novel. The hero seems so perfect but sooner or later you'll run into these words: The End.
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bravo, very sound advice. i have been in a long distance online relationship, and while it worked out for a while (he eventually moved here to be with me) when he was here i saw his faults, and the holes through his constant lying. i still loved him even though i had to end things. unfortunatley i allowed him to play games with me for years until finally i caught him with another 'online girlfriend' which he denied he was seeing. i only found out the truth through contacting her. lesson- don't meet men online!
# posted by 
: 12:46 PM
: 12:46 PM
I totally agree with you! People get unreal expectations over someone they communicate with online. There is no comparison with the real thing, getting to know someone face to face. If you do become interested in someone online, take it slow and don't make any permanent plans - like moving!If you arrange to meet, be safety conscious and again, move slowly.
When a friend says they "met someone online" I always cringe, even today. Five years ago through mutual friends I met a young man online. He was a friend's ex's best friend, we'll call her Sarah the ex is Tom and the best friend is Grey. Sarah was my best bud for several years on the coast,she moved there from another state where Tom and Grey lived,Tom she used to date.
Anyways, the point here is that I met Grey via the internet with the intentions of getting artistic advice and two years later we were friends on a long distance level and dated many people "irl" since the start of our online friendship. Then something struck and we decided to see if we could hit it off in person, he visited-we did. Six months later I left the coast,said bye to Sarah and live with Grey now. I have for almost three years.
Again,I still cringe when people say they meet people online.
Hypocritical, yes. Ironic,yes.
You have to be careful, the internet is not what makes people untrustworthy, people make people untrustworthy. I have had numerous relationships and none of them could stand more then three months, but Grey was the right one. Plus he had a referral slip. Hahaha.
Be smart girls and boys.
Anyways, the point here is that I met Grey via the internet with the intentions of getting artistic advice and two years later we were friends on a long distance level and dated many people "irl" since the start of our online friendship. Then something struck and we decided to see if we could hit it off in person, he visited-we did. Six months later I left the coast,said bye to Sarah and live with Grey now. I have for almost three years.
Again,I still cringe when people say they meet people online.
Hypocritical, yes. Ironic,yes.
You have to be careful, the internet is not what makes people untrustworthy, people make people untrustworthy. I have had numerous relationships and none of them could stand more then three months, but Grey was the right one. Plus he had a referral slip. Hahaha.
Be smart girls and boys.
# posted by : 10:26 PM
: 10:26 PM
at first i dont believe in such LDR bec. people in this field just try to fool you or just playing a game but when im at this relationship i can see how hard to be with full of sacrifices but i can feel the trust and the good thing here i can tell him my problems somehow it helps somebody to lean in.
I believe in online relationships. No, you can't be in an online relationship and have it work if you make up everything about you. No, you can't be in an online relationship and make it work if you're not serious.
However, if both you and the other person don't lie about who you are, it can work. If you and the other person only type back and forth, it is harder to make it work sometimes, since you can't hear sarcasm and things like that so they have to be typed in, but it can still work.
My advice? Be yourself over the internet. Be careful who you get yourself intertwined with, since many people do lie, and after a while find a way to talk to one another. Web-cam, phone calls, or even things like Teamspeak or Ventrilo. Something to let you get to know the person just a little bit better.
Hugs, kisses, and good luck!
Juliette
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However, if both you and the other person don't lie about who you are, it can work. If you and the other person only type back and forth, it is harder to make it work sometimes, since you can't hear sarcasm and things like that so they have to be typed in, but it can still work.
My advice? Be yourself over the internet. Be careful who you get yourself intertwined with, since many people do lie, and after a while find a way to talk to one another. Web-cam, phone calls, or even things like Teamspeak or Ventrilo. Something to let you get to know the person just a little bit better.
Hugs, kisses, and good luck!
Juliette
# posted by : 7:09 PM
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