Friday, January 13, 2006
My boyfriend has many female friends
Jayna, 43, from NY, asks: My boyfriend (50) of two years has many female friends. Some from way back some new. He also has many male friends. He is very social and talks with or goes out for drinks and/or dinner/lunch with someone about once a week. We are both getting divorced so have kept our relationship quiet so as not to upset our children or spouse until the divorces are final. The problem is I feel very jealous about his relationships with other woman. It is something I always believed you didn't do, that you only have a relationship with someone in the opposite sex if you are attracted to them. He says this is not true. They are just friends and that I need to feel more secure and trusting. He also says that when our relationship is public he hopes I will become their friends also and we will do it as a couple. Should I believe him or is there something else going on here?
VictorM's advice: Believe him. The notion that guys only have relationships if there's an attraction is wrong. There was the line from the movie When Harry Met Sally where Billy Crystal says a guy will always want to have sex with a girl he finds attractive. I think that's wrong. A guy will THINK about sex with an attractive female, but that's not the same as actually acting on it. Decency plays a large role and unless you think your guy is not a decent man, you shouldn't worry.
He seems very open about his friendships and he wants to include you in that life style. The odds are that he's not hiding anything, he's just an extrovert who likes to be around pleasant people. You'd do well to be part of that life style, if only you can control your insecurities.
VictorM's advice: Believe him. The notion that guys only have relationships if there's an attraction is wrong. There was the line from the movie When Harry Met Sally where Billy Crystal says a guy will always want to have sex with a girl he finds attractive. I think that's wrong. A guy will THINK about sex with an attractive female, but that's not the same as actually acting on it. Decency plays a large role and unless you think your guy is not a decent man, you shouldn't worry.
He seems very open about his friendships and he wants to include you in that life style. The odds are that he's not hiding anything, he's just an extrovert who likes to be around pleasant people. You'd do well to be part of that life style, if only you can control your insecurities.
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I think you should just let him have female friends. See I let my boyfriend flurt but nothing else, but, you should sit him down and talk to him and tell him how you feel, and meet his female friends, If I was you I would talk to his female friends too.
# posted by 
: 2:04 PM
: 2:04 PM
If he's saying that he hopes that they will become your friends too, I think he's being honest. It sounds to me like he's not hiding anything from you. Give it a chance, maybe these women will end up being your good friends too.
My (ex) boyfriend of 2-1/2 years had too many female friends, as well. While I met all of them and we all spent time together often, it ultimately became a constant source of trouble. They were all single and beautiful and called him, sent text mesages, flirted, emailed, left him notes and went out with him without me many times. No, you cannot dictate who your significant other is friendly with, but when this behavior is constant and in your face, it can be construed as disrespectful behavior if is makes you uncomfortable. I always want to say how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Not to mention too many people commented on these women having a huge crush on my guy. And even though I believe he never cheated, he enjoyed the attention, which can threaten any relationship. Needless to say, this blew up. It is healthy to have friends of the opposite sex, but when there are a half a dozen women contacting your guy (and he encourages it) almost every day, that is a problem. Take it from someone who endured it too long.
# posted by : 10:03 PM
: 10:03 PM
there is such a thing as too many friends. In my case I have been with my boyfriend for 4yrs, but he is constantly hanging out with his guys and other women. The worst part of all I have not met all these people. Becuase I accepted this behavios in the begining he feels it is still acceptable. The best advice I can give is to lay down the law from the start, and if he does not like it find someone else. There is someone compatible for everyone. or it can lead to many arguments, resentment and maybe jealousy, take it from someone who also endured it too long.
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