Tuesday, January 17, 2006
My abusive ex-boyfriend won't leave me alone
Sally, 15, from NZ, asks: It's been a long time since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, and somehow, he still has the need to show me how much he hates me. Either by telling his friends about how he used me for sex or to pay me out. We broke up because he was becoming way too abusive to handle, hitting me when I didn't talk to him, making me do things I didn't want to do, and controlling who I talked to and what I did etc. Ever since, any guy I've dated he's planned a group assassination on, (getting them bashed/run over/killed somehow) he nearly killed my last boyfriend by running him over with his car when he was riding home. He took it really hard when I didn't want to put up with him anymore, and made up several girlfriends that he was "going-out" with, that he wasn't really. Does he just really hate me? He hasn't given me a break for about 10 months now, the main thing that bugs me, is he complains to my boyfriend's older brother about how much he hates me and all the things we did together, because I don't get along with my boyfriend's brother and they get along great. Should I just ignore him and let him keep attacking my friends or should I try a different approach? We dated for about 5 months till things got really bad.
VictorM's advice: First of all I want to commend you for breaking up with this guy. No matter how much hell it is now, imagine what life would be like if you stayed with him.
This has nothing to do with love or hate. This guy is all about control. People like him have no concept of love. Not the way most of us do anyway. He wants to control your life, whether he's your boyfriend or not. I believe the type of people who listen to him come in two flavors: those who are like him and believe him and those who know he's a loser and won't pay any mind to what he has to say.
You could fight back. Tell whoever he talks to that he was abusive. If he tells them about the sex, you tell them he was lousy in bed (doesn't matter if that's not true) as long as you embarrass him in front of those whose opinion he cares about. He may then leave you alone or, since he has a violent streak, you can be in more danger. I think the risk is too high. I prefer the approach below.
Whenever someone quotes things he says, just respond with a matter-of-fact attitude: "If it makes you happy to believe him, go ahead, I'm not talking about it" and walk away. Don't bother denying anything, don't bother trying to convince them it's not true because every time you do, you're playing into his hands. See, he wants attention from you. Negative attention is a lot better than no attention. Give him none! Eventually, the first type of people's opinions won't matter -- they're losers just like him -- and the second group of people will respect you for taking the high road.
VictorM's advice: First of all I want to commend you for breaking up with this guy. No matter how much hell it is now, imagine what life would be like if you stayed with him.
This has nothing to do with love or hate. This guy is all about control. People like him have no concept of love. Not the way most of us do anyway. He wants to control your life, whether he's your boyfriend or not. I believe the type of people who listen to him come in two flavors: those who are like him and believe him and those who know he's a loser and won't pay any mind to what he has to say.
You could fight back. Tell whoever he talks to that he was abusive. If he tells them about the sex, you tell them he was lousy in bed (doesn't matter if that's not true) as long as you embarrass him in front of those whose opinion he cares about. He may then leave you alone or, since he has a violent streak, you can be in more danger. I think the risk is too high. I prefer the approach below.
Whenever someone quotes things he says, just respond with a matter-of-fact attitude: "If it makes you happy to believe him, go ahead, I'm not talking about it" and walk away. Don't bother denying anything, don't bother trying to convince them it's not true because every time you do, you're playing into his hands. See, he wants attention from you. Negative attention is a lot better than no attention. Give him none! Eventually, the first type of people's opinions won't matter -- they're losers just like him -- and the second group of people will respect you for taking the high road.
Comments:
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my boyfriend wouldnt leave me alone, 1of his exs is my best m8, she has wanted me to dump him 4ages, and when i finally plucked up the courage to do it, i felt so much better! girls, go with your instint, dont let him scare you.
# posted by 
: 11:31 AM
: 11:31 AM
Hi Sally,
This guy sounds borderline crazy. Typical for a testosterone driven highschool kid who no longer has a girlfriend. Tell this guy to leave you alone. If he doesn't get some of your older male friends or family members to set him straight.
Cheers,
Napoleon Will's blog
Feel free to email with questions or comments
This guy sounds borderline crazy. Typical for a testosterone driven highschool kid who no longer has a girlfriend. Tell this guy to leave you alone. If he doesn't get some of your older male friends or family members to set him straight.
Cheers,
Napoleon Will's blog
Feel free to email with questions or comments
my exboyfriend by touching me physical on my body and i have a boyfriend 2...what should i do...
# posted by : 10:09 AM
: 10:09 AM
Everything was good while we were dating, and he left me to go back to her. His ex-girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, she's jealous, much cuter, and no kids. I really didn't have a chance did I? How do I get him back and realize going backwards isn't a good thing? I want him to be with me.
# posted by : 7:04 PM
: 7:04 PM
If anyone tries to run anyone else over with a car, they should be in jail. Attempted murder is nothing to just brush off. I say the new boyfriend should press charges - but then you have to be careful of retaliation. Start keeping track of every threat the ex makes. Record them, keep letters, collect physical evidence (not someone's brother told him and he told me, etc) - basically get ready to take this to court and make sure you have enough info to actually get him in prison. You may want to see about getting him committed to a mental institution as a danger to others.
# posted by : 11:40 PM
: 11:40 PM
Dear Sally,
Be very careful with this one. I went through the same thing at your age, but I stayed for two years! I dealt with the abuse cause I was dumb and scared. I had no friends or anyone to turn to, but through experience I know now. You have to just ignore him and he does continue to hurt people call police and put him in jail. He needs help!!! I hope the best for you, please don't brush my advice off. He could really hurt you!!!!
Be very careful with this one. I went through the same thing at your age, but I stayed for two years! I dealt with the abuse cause I was dumb and scared. I had no friends or anyone to turn to, but through experience I know now. You have to just ignore him and he does continue to hurt people call police and put him in jail. He needs help!!! I hope the best for you, please don't brush my advice off. He could really hurt you!!!!
# posted by : 4:25 PM
: 4:25 PM
This is definitely an abusive person. I have just broken up with someone, and he went absolutely crazy. I finally sought enough strength and courage to get out, he'd already tried to stop me from seeing friends and family, and now was trying to control and dictate my life. He'd started getting violent and that's when i knew it was time to leave. As soon as i ended it, the non-stop texts and calls started, first pleading and appologising, then when he knew there was no way i was coming back,the abuse started again. I swear i have never EVER heard someone talk about me so badly before, every negetive thing he could think of, whether true or untrue, he said. I continued to ignore this, but i don't know if this was the right thing to do because all he wanted to do was get a reaction out of me, and he hadn't so far. Anyway, last night, i'd got a few upset calls and messages from lots of my friends, who all said that my ex had messeged them basically the exact same message telling them about "what she's really like" and making up stories about what i'd aparently said behind their backs. Clearly they were upset, but i explained and they know how abusive he is. I think the reason he did it was to try to make me have no friends and control that, so then he thought i would go back to him. How wrong. How can a person be so disgusting?
# posted by : 3:58 AM
: 3:58 AM
Hi! Ok so i dated this guy for nine months he is 44 and i'm 26
for the first 3months or so we were just "buddys" I would see him once a week, than it was like 2 or 3 times a week pretty soon to every other day, and then every single day. And than my son went on vacation with his dad for 3weeks so my ex had me stay with him the whole time and every time i told him i should prob go home he keep saying no stay i like having you here.At the end of the last week that i was there i had to have a tooth pulled and he took care of me cooked etc etc than that fri i went home and i called he didn't pick up i text he didnt reply so i didnt try again then i tried to call one time on sat he told mw he was helping a friend i didnt talk to him after that. Anyway two days after he tells me he is confused and needs to sort some things out I said thats fine Im not a pushy controlling call all the time crazy girl, ive been threw alot and i'm very understanding. then he tells me i'm the most kind loving giving person he has ever meet and that he cares a great deal about me. About three weeks later we hook up he comes and gets me and says how can i stay away from you I ask why would you want to he said i have no idea, then he keeps asking over &over if i had been with anyone i said no why have you and he said yes a couple times with the same person i didn't really care,by the way i'm thinking his 16yr old daughter lives with him cause thats what he told me, ("she was just gone for the night") yeah right i pull in to the gas station the night after and there he is with his new girl. It killed me just killed me. I'm a bitch i swore i would never do anything with a guy who has a girlfriend and now i have. I ended up hooking up with him after one day on my lunch I meet him and you know the next day i lied and told him i had a b-friend cause i didnt want him to think i havent moved on, i know its stupied. well a couple weeks later i find out he is moving in with her, And I know he can't love her or he wouldn't be cheating but why does he still want to see me? and why does he still hook up with me? still ask about all my dates and if ive been with anyone? I dont get it. Please help do i tell him how i feel? what do i say or do? sorry about the spelling etc etc I'm at work and dont want anyone to read this over my shoulder.
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for the first 3months or so we were just "buddys" I would see him once a week, than it was like 2 or 3 times a week pretty soon to every other day, and then every single day. And than my son went on vacation with his dad for 3weeks so my ex had me stay with him the whole time and every time i told him i should prob go home he keep saying no stay i like having you here.At the end of the last week that i was there i had to have a tooth pulled and he took care of me cooked etc etc than that fri i went home and i called he didn't pick up i text he didnt reply so i didnt try again then i tried to call one time on sat he told mw he was helping a friend i didnt talk to him after that. Anyway two days after he tells me he is confused and needs to sort some things out I said thats fine Im not a pushy controlling call all the time crazy girl, ive been threw alot and i'm very understanding. then he tells me i'm the most kind loving giving person he has ever meet and that he cares a great deal about me. About three weeks later we hook up he comes and gets me and says how can i stay away from you I ask why would you want to he said i have no idea, then he keeps asking over &over if i had been with anyone i said no why have you and he said yes a couple times with the same person i didn't really care,by the way i'm thinking his 16yr old daughter lives with him cause thats what he told me, ("she was just gone for the night") yeah right i pull in to the gas station the night after and there he is with his new girl. It killed me just killed me. I'm a bitch i swore i would never do anything with a guy who has a girlfriend and now i have. I ended up hooking up with him after one day on my lunch I meet him and you know the next day i lied and told him i had a b-friend cause i didnt want him to think i havent moved on, i know its stupied. well a couple weeks later i find out he is moving in with her, And I know he can't love her or he wouldn't be cheating but why does he still want to see me? and why does he still hook up with me? still ask about all my dates and if ive been with anyone? I dont get it. Please help do i tell him how i feel? what do i say or do? sorry about the spelling etc etc I'm at work and dont want anyone to read this over my shoulder.
# posted by : 12:56 PM
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