Michelle, 35, from derbyshire, asks: Hi Victor, I was in a relationship with a younger guy (24) for about 8 months. It recently broke up because we became too intense with each other which put a big strain on things. We still talk regularly and although I have tried to get over it I'm still very much in love with this man. He has big trust issues and is not able to share much emotionally, where as I'm the opposite -- I love to express. I think this is what became too overwhelming for him in the end. My question is this. I think talking to him is making it harder for me but even though I have tried to put distance between us he keeps coming back to me to make contact like we were buddies or something like that. He says I'm the closest and best friend he has but it's killing me being in this kind of relationship with him. What is it he wants from me? Do you think I should break all ties with him? Or does he still love me? I dunno, going quietly insane with confusion.

VictorM's advice: He'll keep coming back to you as a buddy as long as you allow it. This way, he gets to enjoy your company with none of the commitments of a relationship. And if this is buddies with benefits, you're even more screwed (pun intended). If he has a hard time sharing his feelings, you're giving him the perfect way to keep it that way and still spend time with you. You must stop that.

Does he still love you? Quite possibly, in his own quiet way. Will he ever change the way he is? Not likely. At least not without professional therapy (my guess is there is a lot of baggage from his past making him so).

Whether you want to break contact with him or want him in a committed relationship, you're going to have to do the same exact thing: sit him down, explain that your current relationship is tormenting you, explain why, and then say you will not see him again. Make it very definite, make it very clear, but more importantly, follow through. Find new pubs, new restaurants, new streets to get to places, and remove from your home things that remind you of him. If you stick to your guns, he may leave you alone (meaning he's not in love with you), or he may try harder to be with you (almost a clear sign that he's in love with you).

If he wants to be with you, ask him to seek therapy. Whether he does or not, you could also be more accepting of his ways. It's possible that he'll open up with you in the future once his trust level with you is higher. But you accomplish nothing by nagging him about it. Step back and accept that you two are different in this regard. Just because you're open about your feelings and he's not doesn't make you right and him wrong. Look for other good qualities about him and accept that his love for you may be shown in quiet ways.