Thursday, December 15, 2005
Oh no... fear of commitment
Anita, 21, from Lynchburg, Va, asks: I've been dating my boyfriend now for three years, 2 2/1 living with him but decided to try living separately for awhile. I want to marry him! I know in my heart that he is the right one for me and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He says the same but acts as if he is scared to really commit. We say we are getting married but he wants to wait a few more years. If we have been together for three years and we are gonna get married, why wait, why not make it legal and religiously legal? Please tell me why he seems so scared and wants to wait even longer?
VictorM's advice: Believe it or not, some guys take marriage very seriously. They see their role as the providers, not just for you (even if you work) but for his kids. While often mistaken as fear of commitment, for many guys it's just desire to get it right. That means having a job he feels secured with and that he's ready emotionally. Among guys your age, it's very common for them to feel they're not ready to be the kind of husband (meaning, provider) they want to be.
So, pay close attention: if you rush him and he feels pressure, that pressure just convinces him he's not ready. But if you lay off, he relaxes and with that comes confidence, which is more likely to make him feel he's ready.
So lay off him now; that'll improve your chances of a life time together -- then you can torture the poor guy to your heart's content.
VictorM's advice: Believe it or not, some guys take marriage very seriously. They see their role as the providers, not just for you (even if you work) but for his kids. While often mistaken as fear of commitment, for many guys it's just desire to get it right. That means having a job he feels secured with and that he's ready emotionally. Among guys your age, it's very common for them to feel they're not ready to be the kind of husband (meaning, provider) they want to be.
So, pay close attention: if you rush him and he feels pressure, that pressure just convinces him he's not ready. But if you lay off, he relaxes and with that comes confidence, which is more likely to make him feel he's ready.
So lay off him now; that'll improve your chances of a life time together -- then you can torture the poor guy to your heart's content.
Comments:
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Why must females insist on pushing a guy to marry them? He'll ask you if he ever has the intention when HE'S READY. Leave it alone, seriously.
Because females feel the need to have things done right when they want them. Also the sooner they tie the not there's more chance that they will be together longer. And when they get married she feels like it will be permanent and official. She probally has the feeling that since he doesnt want commitment right now is he having seconds thoughts about there relationship which is going to cause her to push him. Which is a natural female instinct.
Hi Anita,
What is the whole big deal about getting married, making it legal? The divorce rate in this country is over 50%, what makes you think this relationship falls on the good half. Before you think about all this marriage hooplala plan for the future. Could you support a family financially? What are you both going to be doing for work, where will you live? So much. I think you are so young and still have a lot of youth left. Why rush anything?
Cheers,
Napoleon Will's blog
Feel free to email with questions or comments
What is the whole big deal about getting married, making it legal? The divorce rate in this country is over 50%, what makes you think this relationship falls on the good half. Before you think about all this marriage hooplala plan for the future. Could you support a family financially? What are you both going to be doing for work, where will you live? So much. I think you are so young and still have a lot of youth left. Why rush anything?
Cheers,
Napoleon Will's blog
Feel free to email with questions or comments
Sometimes people fear formal commitments due to a deep underlying fear of unworthiness. They just don't realize it stems from the subconsious , as most fears are felt, not recognized.
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