Saturday, December 17, 2005
Home-maker or Home-wreaker?
Morgan, 33 from Halifax, Nova Scotia asks:
Hi Emilie. I think your column's great. My question involves my brother and his fiancée. My brother is a very successful and well-off 30 year old entrepreneur. When he met his fiancée he was very impressed with her education, independence, personal values and obviously her heart. They moved in together last January. Since then she has not gotten a job and is content to "stay at home" and take the occasional correspondence course. The rest of our family is concerned that this young woman has a game plan. I don't doubt that she loves him and he seems very happy but she has already isolated him from our family. He will go home at the end of the day and if she has made cookies for example, it's as though no one in the history of the world has made cookies before. Do you, as a woman, see any manipulation here? We want him to be happy but feel she has an agenda...any thoughts?
Emilie’s Advice:
If by manipulation you mean taking care of your brother and making him happy, then yes, she is definitely manipulating him! Obviously you don’t want anyone to take advantage of your brother (you care about him!), but he seems to be enjoying the situation they’ve created. Your brother sounds like an intelligent guy, and he hasn’t gotten where he is today by letting people use him as a doormat. He was attracted to her for her good heart and values, things that a person with bad intentions probably doesn’t have. It may not be your cup of tea, but it’s probably appealing for your brother to come home to a clean house and home cooked meals. The fiancée may be getting a sweet deal, but since she is contributing by taking care of the household duties, he is getting something out of it as well. You may feel she’s isolated him from the family, but think of it this way: Your brother may be keeping her (and himself) out of a situation where they both know she is not entirely welcome. I would feel uncomfortable going to family functions too if I knew his family thought I was a gold-digger! It’s a fine line between giving someone relationship advice and telling them you don’t trust their judgment. My advice would be to try your very best to reassure him that you will accept his future wife into your family. You may suddenly notice both of them hanging around more, and she may even warm up to you……and vice versa!
Hi Emilie. I think your column's great. My question involves my brother and his fiancée. My brother is a very successful and well-off 30 year old entrepreneur. When he met his fiancée he was very impressed with her education, independence, personal values and obviously her heart. They moved in together last January. Since then she has not gotten a job and is content to "stay at home" and take the occasional correspondence course. The rest of our family is concerned that this young woman has a game plan. I don't doubt that she loves him and he seems very happy but she has already isolated him from our family. He will go home at the end of the day and if she has made cookies for example, it's as though no one in the history of the world has made cookies before. Do you, as a woman, see any manipulation here? We want him to be happy but feel she has an agenda...any thoughts?
Emilie’s Advice:
If by manipulation you mean taking care of your brother and making him happy, then yes, she is definitely manipulating him! Obviously you don’t want anyone to take advantage of your brother (you care about him!), but he seems to be enjoying the situation they’ve created. Your brother sounds like an intelligent guy, and he hasn’t gotten where he is today by letting people use him as a doormat. He was attracted to her for her good heart and values, things that a person with bad intentions probably doesn’t have. It may not be your cup of tea, but it’s probably appealing for your brother to come home to a clean house and home cooked meals. The fiancée may be getting a sweet deal, but since she is contributing by taking care of the household duties, he is getting something out of it as well. You may feel she’s isolated him from the family, but think of it this way: Your brother may be keeping her (and himself) out of a situation where they both know she is not entirely welcome. I would feel uncomfortable going to family functions too if I knew his family thought I was a gold-digger! It’s a fine line between giving someone relationship advice and telling them you don’t trust their judgment. My advice would be to try your very best to reassure him that you will accept his future wife into your family. You may suddenly notice both of them hanging around more, and she may even warm up to you……and vice versa!
Comments:
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I don't see anything here the suggests she's a gold digger. Your brother is a grown man, let it be. Just because a woman wants to stay home doesn't mean anything. I'd love to end up with someone who approved and could afford for me to stay at home and someday be a stay-at-home mother. Let it alone.
I am an excellent housekeeper, (I've always disliked clutter) who enjoys cooking enough to have taken several classes to learn about preparing different cuisines. (A running joke among my friends both female and male, is what a great wife I would make someone.)
But somehow I doubt that if you had received a query similar to Morgan's but with the genders reversed and I was the person who hadn't gotten a job, (even though I also bake a mean batch of cookies) that you (or "baby") would consider my taking care of the household duties sufficient, and you'd would be a heckuva lot more likely to show sympathy for any concerns similar to Morgan's, if they were raised by my partner's sibling.
But somehow I doubt that if you had received a query similar to Morgan's but with the genders reversed and I was the person who hadn't gotten a job, (even though I also bake a mean batch of cookies) that you (or "baby") would consider my taking care of the household duties sufficient, and you'd would be a heckuva lot more likely to show sympathy for any concerns similar to Morgan's, if they were raised by my partner's sibling.
I happen to have a friend who is a stay at home husband and see nothing wrong with that at all greeseyparrot. My friend and his partner have a great relationship and are very happy....that's all that matters! Not what siblings think, and certainly not your gender!
Fuck that. If it was reverse, I'd say "Lucky him." If I made a huge living and enjoyed my job, I'd let my man stay at home, do the house work, raise the kids, and make me food. Fuck, that's the life I'm looking for. You're starting to sound like a damn Lib. talking like that. Knock it off before I give you something to bitch about.
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