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Thursday, December 29, 2005
He wants sex but she doesn't want the pain
Natasha, from: normal IL, asks: Well I have a different kind of question. You may not want to answer it but my boyfriend and I are going to have sex. It is my first time and I don't really want to have the pain. So what do I do tell him, maybe a different time? We are getting married in 5 years and I'm not sure I am ready to get down to business.
VictorM's advice: You should tell him "I am not ready to get down to business". You have every right to expect him to respect your wishes.
But if the reason you're not ready is just because of the pain, well, then you should reconsider for these reasons: you may not feel any pain (not all girls do); there are plenty of ways to minimize the pain with lubricants and care on his part; and delaying it won't lessen the pain if you're predisposed to feel pain.
But if there's any doubt on your part, delaying the sex now, which you can always have later, is a lot better than doing something you'll regret because that will last a lifetime.
I'll say one more thing. Unless you're holding back for moral values or because you're not sure this is the right guy then I say take the plunge! It's only sex; it's not root canal! (Of course, protection, protection, protection!)
VictorM's advice: You should tell him "I am not ready to get down to business". You have every right to expect him to respect your wishes.
But if the reason you're not ready is just because of the pain, well, then you should reconsider for these reasons: you may not feel any pain (not all girls do); there are plenty of ways to minimize the pain with lubricants and care on his part; and delaying it won't lessen the pain if you're predisposed to feel pain.
But if there's any doubt on your part, delaying the sex now, which you can always have later, is a lot better than doing something you'll regret because that will last a lifetime.
I'll say one more thing. Unless you're holding back for moral values or because you're not sure this is the right guy then I say take the plunge! It's only sex; it's not root canal! (Of course, protection, protection, protection!)
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NATASHA, The question you posed was, "It is my first time and I don't really want to have the pain. So what do I do tell him...?"
VictorM's reply, in short was, "'You should tell him "I am not ready...' You have every right to expect him to respect your wishes...[But i]t's only sex;"
I, too, am a guy and I have been going out with the same lasdy for over six years. In two more years, when I graduate from college, we plan to get married. This will be eight years of waiting on our parts. But from my point, as a guy who loves her, it is her that I am waiting for. Remember, there is no such thing as pre-marital making love, only pre-marital sex. So, if you end up doing it, you and he are not making love, but having sex. Get him to think about that. Ask him, "Do you want to have sex with me or do you want to make love to me?" If he answers the latter, then let him know that only souses can make love to each other and that means, deep down he really wants to wait. If he answers the former, you are left with the decision. You can tell him, "As much as I want to make love to you, I can only do that when we are married. I want to wait." If he loves you, he won't force you to do what you don't want to do. That would be a controlling person who you should avoid at all costs! It will only get worse. If he loves you, he will understand your reasoning and actually adopt it as his own. He, too, then will want to wait for you.
VictorM's reply, in short was, "'You should tell him "I am not ready...' You have every right to expect him to respect your wishes...[But i]t's only sex;"
I, too, am a guy and I have been going out with the same lasdy for over six years. In two more years, when I graduate from college, we plan to get married. This will be eight years of waiting on our parts. But from my point, as a guy who loves her, it is her that I am waiting for. Remember, there is no such thing as pre-marital making love, only pre-marital sex. So, if you end up doing it, you and he are not making love, but having sex. Get him to think about that. Ask him, "Do you want to have sex with me or do you want to make love to me?" If he answers the latter, then let him know that only souses can make love to each other and that means, deep down he really wants to wait. If he answers the former, you are left with the decision. You can tell him, "As much as I want to make love to you, I can only do that when we are married. I want to wait." If he loves you, he won't force you to do what you don't want to do. That would be a controlling person who you should avoid at all costs! It will only get worse. If he loves you, he will understand your reasoning and actually adopt it as his own. He, too, then will want to wait for you.
I disagree strongly that only spouses can make love to one another. Any two people who are madly in love can make love to one another. The piece of paper does not make any difference. And to the unreligious, God's blessing does add anything either.
However, Natasha, if you are having any doubts at all, you should not have sex with your boyfriend. I don't know how old you are but plans like "we're getting married in 5 years" tend to not come true nearly as often as we like. They're too far off, and not easy to grasp. I know that you are probably so confident that you will marry him, and that's okay.
Feel free to dream, but don't crush your dreams of what sex is supposed to be if you think you should wait to be married, or even if you think you should wait another week. However long you want to wait, he needs to respect that.
However, Natasha, if you are having any doubts at all, you should not have sex with your boyfriend. I don't know how old you are but plans like "we're getting married in 5 years" tend to not come true nearly as often as we like. They're too far off, and not easy to grasp. I know that you are probably so confident that you will marry him, and that's okay.
Feel free to dream, but don't crush your dreams of what sex is supposed to be if you think you should wait to be married, or even if you think you should wait another week. However long you want to wait, he needs to respect that.
Wow, Tara, did we grow up together or something? When I read this, I was going to reply the same thing.
Good luck Natasha, and trust in yourself to make the right decision. And, as always, if he doesn't respect that, then he can respect your foot kicking him to the curb. :-)
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Good luck Natasha, and trust in yourself to make the right decision. And, as always, if he doesn't respect that, then he can respect your foot kicking him to the curb. :-)
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