Cindy, 40, from Texas, asks: I have been in a relationship with a man who at 44 has never been married and has only lived with a girl to whom he was engaged to back in college. He broke off that relationship because it didn't feel right. He is very successful and keeps very active with friends and activities. He said he wanted to settle down and wasn't interested in wasting time dating for years. But after 1 1/2 years together he was having anxiety about moving forward (or backward) in this relationship. I tried to be understanding and patient, but he was finding little minor faults in me that made him question our compatibility. I wanted more of a commitment and needed to get him to make a move. I retreated, gave him time to think about it, and made myself not so available. He has kept in contact with me via calls & e-mails and was keeping very busy. Recently we agreed to meet to talk things out. He does not feel he can be in a full time serious, relationship and he feels less stress being alone. He said he needs to be surrounded by lots of people to be mentally stimulated, but also said he thinks about me every day and misses me very much. The info he gives me is conflicting. He said I am very important to him, he just can't give me what I want. I set him free again. Did I do the right thing? I love him but bailed in order to get him to step up to the plate. Now I regret it all.

VictorM's advice: Sounds to me like this guy has been honest and direct with you. He's conflicted but I see nothing conflicting about his message. That you don't understand him gives him reason to pause. I can't blame him.

Whether you mean to or not, the message he perceives is that you're an all or nothing woman -- he either has you or he has his social life style, but not both. I'd say his anxiety is justified: you want "more of a commitment", you "retreated", you want him to "think about it", you made yourself "not so available", you "set him free", you "bailed", and you want him "to step up to the plate". Jeez, he's 44 and you sound like his mother.

His message to you is clear: if you want him you have to accept sharing him with an active social life style. The message he's getting from you is clear: no dice, buddy. I want to own your heart and your balls.

You clearly have a right to want a man that will satisfy your wishes. This one may not be that man. And he clearly has a right to say giving up freedom is too high a price to pay for your love.