Nalani, 23, in Hawaii:
Dear Victor,
I was together with my boyfriend for two years. The first year was amazing and the second year had it’s ups and downs. But then when I got pregnant my boyfriend broke up with me. I still kept in contact with him in the hopes that he would get back together with me but he caused me severe stress whenever I met him during my pregnancy. Everytime I met him he made me cry, so obviously my crying should have proven to him that he was being a jerk to me. Therefore I ended contact with him because his self-centred behaviour was hurting me too much. Now he wants to meet me but I said he may see me if and only if he apologizes for his insensitive behaviour. But what is shocking to me is that instead of apologizing, he decides to be in denial and denies everything. And when I mention how much he hurt me all he does is change the subject. And he says it’s all my fault, which is untrue and unfair. He also said that he treated me the way he did because, according to him, “he didn’t want to give me emotional support because when I got pregnant there wasn’t enough attention on him anymore”. I want to seek justice for all the pain he put me through by him apologizing to me. But I don’t know what to do. What can I do so that he is truely sorry for what he did? Giving him the silent treatment doesn’t work and telling him that he hurt me doesnt work either. I have a strong sense of justice and I feel like what he did was inhumane.
VictorM:
I understand your frustration but what you’re exhibiting isn’t “a strong sense of justice”; what you want is for him to see all the events exactly as you remember them, for him to feel about them exactly the same way you do, and for him to behave accordingly to your own definition of what is right and wrong. You’re behaving more like a dictator than a justice seeker. It comes as no surprise that you’re not getting the “justice” you seek.
His reaction is not just a sense of denial — although I’m guessing there’s plenty of that going on; what he’s doing is what most humans do when faced with something unpleasant that they have been a part of: they exercise cognitive dissonance as a way to live with themselves. His reaction is a natural and common human defense mechanism. Can men like him ever see the light of their injustices? Sure, but not if they are as self-centered as you described.
What you’re asking is for someone to behave in a way that is totally contrary to everything you know about him, from him abandoning you when you got pregnant, to blaming you for the problems, to being unsympathetic to your feelings, and in every other way behaving like the self-centered jerk you know. You’re not asking for justice, you’re asking for a miracle!
Your best case for justice is to be happy yourself and raise your child right and leave him out of this.
Your ex should only have something to do with you and your child if you believe it’ll be in your child’s best interest. That’s what matters most. Your need for vindication must vanish so that your child’s wellbeing comes first.