strong sense of justice

Nalani, 23, in Hawaii:

Dear Victor,
I was together with my boyfriend for two years. The first year was amazing and the second year had it’s ups and downs. But then when I got pregnant my boyfriend broke up with me. I still kept in contact with him in the hopes that he would get back together with me but he caused me severe stress whenever I met him during my pregnancy. Everytime I met him he made me cry, so obviously my crying should have proven to him that he was being a jerk to me. Therefore I ended contact with him because his self-centred behaviour was hurting me too much. Now he wants to meet me but I said he may see me if and only if he apologizes for his insensitive behaviour. But what is shocking to me is that instead of apologizing, he decides to be in denial and denies everything. And when I mention how much he hurt me all he does is change the subject. And he says it’s all my fault, which is untrue and unfair. He also said that he treated me the way he did because, according to him, “he didn’t want to give me emotional support because when I got pregnant there wasn’t enough attention on him anymore”. I want to seek justice for all the pain he put me through by him apologizing to me. But I don’t know what to do. What can I do so that he is truely sorry for what he did? Giving him the silent treatment doesn’t work and telling him that he hurt me doesnt work either. I have a strong sense of justice and I feel like what he did was inhumane.

VictorM:

I understand your frustration but what you’re exhibiting isn’t “a strong sense of justice”; what you want is for him to see all the events exactly as you remember them, for him to feel about them exactly the same way you do,  and for him to behave accordingly to your own definition of what is right and wrong. You’re behaving more like a dictator than a justice seeker. It comes as no surprise that you’re not getting the “justice” you seek.

His reaction is not just a sense of denial — although I’m guessing there’s plenty of that going on; what he’s doing is what most humans do when faced with something unpleasant that they have been a part of: they exercise cognitive dissonance as a way to live with themselves. His reaction is a natural and common human defense mechanism. Can men like him ever see the light of their injustices? Sure, but not if they are as self-centered as you described.

What you’re asking is for someone to behave in a way that is totally contrary to everything you know about him, from him abandoning you when you got pregnant, to blaming you for the problems, to being unsympathetic to your feelings, and in every other way behaving like the self-centered jerk you know. You’re not asking for justice, you’re asking for a miracle!

Your best case for justice is to be happy yourself and raise your child right and leave him out of this.

Your ex should only have something to do with you and your child if you believe it’ll be in your child’s best interest. That’s what matters most. Your need for vindication must vanish so that your child’s wellbeing comes first.

from hot to cold

Dani, 20, in USA:

Hey Victor!
I recently met this guy and have since gone on 2 dates. The first date went pretty well and he was quick to make plans for a second date. He was even thoughtful enough to base the second date off of something we had talked about on the first. I ended up meeting a few of his friends on the second night and they all seemed to like me, as did he. When he was dropping me off, he asked me to be his date to a school formal that he had coming up at his university. I agreed and we shared a goodnight kiss that night. He even texted me when he got home that night. In that conversation we made a few future plans of live shows we should go to (all suggested by him, which he must have researched upon getting home) so it seemed like a promising situation. Two days later he was to go on a weekend getaway with a large group of his friends for his birthday, and shortly after getting back was supposed to go to his hometown for Thanksgiving break. We only spoke once very briefly on his birthday trip (which I was fine with because I expected him to be busy and didn’t expect him to check in on me once since we had only hung out twice and were nothing serious yet).

I began to feel weird once we hadn’t spoken in about a week. That’s when I noticed that he had become recent friends with a new girl on several social media platforms. I’m guessing they somehow met in this short span of us not hanging out (maybe on his weekend trip?), but she lives over an hour away from where we live so it just seems like an unrealistic situation. I texted him after about 9 days of us not communicating and asked about his thanksgiving. He was polite and conversational, but didn’t bring up seeing me again.

I still really like him and want to get to know him, but I’m confused on what to do because I feel like everything is screwed up because of him meeting this other girl. I also don’t want to keep texting him first but it’s hard to handle the situation that went from hot to cold so quickly. Thanks for your help!

VictorM:

The motions that a guy goes through when he meets a new girl has a lot more to do with his personality, upbringing, social manners, and above all, his ego, than it does with any reflection about what he thinks of the girl. During those first couple of dates and the activity that ensued, he was just doing what he probably does with every girl. You weren’t any more, or any less, special than any other girl. And the same applies to the new girl he met. The attention that you, she, and any other woman he’ll date will most likely get the same treatment initially. Once the novelty wears off, poof! off he goes to the next adventure. Don’t take this personally. Men in general are wired for quantity over quality and that’s what drives much of his behavior.

The best you can do now is to stay pleasant if he contacts you without coming across as too interested or desperate. And if he doesn’t contact you, your options are either to let him go and seek other guys, or, if you choose, contact him informally and try to stay in touch with him in the hopes that he’ll rediscover interest in you. The key is that you exercise patience and remain pleasant and friendly. Any kind of sarcasm or zingers about his absence are not a good idea.

a complete ass

Ashley, 22, in Hawaii:

This might be a bit long. Recently, I found out that my boyfriend has drunk texted someone I considered to be one of my best friends about 3 times starting from February through May. My friend and I stopped talking due to some other drama around that time which is why she said she didn’t tell me sooner. He texted her asking her if he could come over to her place those 3 times, all while I was right next to him. He even grabbed her inappropriately on two different occasions, while I was in the same venue, but of course I didn’t know. I really trusted him and didn’t feel like I would have to watch him like a hawk while he was drunk, especially not while I was around. I asked him why he did it, and he said because we were going through a really bad time (we did fight a lot around the period of our relationship). He also said because he knew she had a history of being scandalous and doing things with our other friends boyfriends, he wanted to see if she would be “down.” He said our fighting, along with his being insecure and needing an ego by acting like a complete ass is what compelled him. I guess I just don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if I could be with someone who was attracted or interested in one of my friends. But he completely denies being interested or attracted to her and says it was all drunken mishaps and he was being an ass. It’s hard for me to accept this considering it happened more than once. Do you think there’s any truth to this? I just want to know what it really means when a guy, despite it being done while drunk, hits up a girl’s friend several times, considering the circumstances of my situation. My boyfriend and I are currently not speaking because I needed some time to think. He’s been texting me with apologies and reassurances that it really didn’t mean anything and that he wants to work out our relationship. What should I do? I want to work things out because I love him but I’m not sure how that will be possible.

VictorM:

It is plausible, likely even, that what your boyfriend is saying is true: your female friend means nothing to him, he was angry from all the fighting, he only did it because he was drunk, he picked her because he thought he would get a reaction from her and since inflating his ego was key picking her made sense. It also makes sense that he regrets it and his apologies are sincere. BUT… there’s something else, something more serious, that you need to think about.

If you want to know a person’s true self, get them drunk. Alcohol removes inhibitions and reveals a truer personality. While sober, it’s easier to hide and control bad habits, bad tempers, and negative views. In a sober state people remember all the “don’t do this” and “don’t do that” to better fit in society. Alcohol throws all of that out the window.

When someone drinks and they are a mean drunk, or pick fights, or, as the case of your boyfriend, “become a complete ass,” odds are that once he gets to know you better and feels more secure in the relationship, those traits will come out, even without drinking.  And since you said this has happened more than once (I assume you meant he behaved this way while drunk more than once), you have a pattern emerging that is indeed troubling.

Recall other times your boyfriend has been drunk and examine his behavior at those times. Was he testy, pushy, argumentative, flirty with other women, etc. If the answer is yes, the pattern gets more complete and you could be dating a guy that is highly likely to make you very unhappy.

serious financial problems

Tricia, 57, in U.S.:

I must apologize in advance for this being so long but please bare with me on this. I was widowed about 18 years ago. I have been with another man my age for almost ten years now. He asked me to marry him very early on in our relationship and I declined by saying it was much too soon for that kind of commitment and that we really didn’t know each other well enough. He said that was fair and left it alone for about a year. He asked again and I said things are good the way they are now, don’t try to fix something that isn’t broken. I guess it was a mistake to say things weren’t broken though. He had and still has serious financial problems. I finally told him, much too late (3 years in), that if we married he would not inherit my good credit that I would inherit his bad credit. This seemed to come as a surprise to him. I should have run fast and far when I learned of his financial problems but dummy me didn’t. I thought at some point this could be fixed. I tried to help him but only hurt my own finances to the point that now I depend on his help just to get by. The only way out I can see at this point is to declare bankruptcy but this would mean losing everything I have, my home, car and my 2 dogs. Besides I have never felt that bankruptcy was the proper thing to do. I am working so hard to get things back on track financially but as soon as he thinks I have a little bit of money he stops paying his fair share. How do I get him to understand that this is unacceptable? I have helped him out so much in the past that it has put me is serious debt that I can’t get out of alone. I have just a little bit saved in a 401k for retirement but not near enough and I don’t think I should have to give that up to get out of the debt he so greatly helped in putting me there. At this point I realize that he will never be responsible with money, and yes I know, a little too late, that I was not either by helping him. Still he needs to put up his fair share to fix this and I don’t know how to get this through his head. I have been nice, been a complete bitch about it, and pleaded with him to get himself together but he still doesn’t get it. I realize that I am responsible for the brunt of the financial trouble I am in. But I can’t go back and change that. I can only try to move forward and not make the same mistakes. How do I get out of this without losing everything?

VictorM:

“How do I get him to understand that this is unacceptable?” You do it by actually making it unacceptable. Not only are you making it acceptable, you are enabling his bad habit. By saying something is “unacceptable” you’re implying there’s consequences. Well, what consequences have you imposed?

Your boyfriend’s bad money habits are the result of experiences that are probably life-long and he can’t change just because you wished he did. Much like smokers who continue to smoke despite the overwhelming evidence that it leads to lung cancer, there are unseen forces dragging him down a rabbit hole when it comes to money.

Your behavior with him follows a similar pattern. Despite knowing that bailing him out would risk your financial future, you did it anyway. And you continue to struggle even now. Why? Your inability to change your own behavior should help you understand why he doesn’t change his behavior.

You have no control over your boyfriend’s behavior but you can try and change your own. If possible, see a therapist to help give you the strength to make decisions that are best for you and consult a bankruptcy lawyer to fully understand your financial options before you take further action.

But waste not a minute of your time trying to make your boyfriend’s money habits change — you’ll just be wasting your time, and your own money.

 

Why do I need this fwb in my life?

Gabriela, 25, in Usa:

Hi,
I’ve been stuck in a situation for a long time now- 10 years. I have this fwb which I can’t seem to get rid of. I have a bf for 6 years now and would like to marry and have children one day. The fwb calls me everyday wanting me to come over. We sleep with each other but never kiss. He knows about my bf and he is single. I get into these moments where I tell him we can’t talk and go months without talking then he either calls or I do. Why do I need this fwb in my life? Is it taking a toll on my real relationship? What does the fwb see in me? Please help.

VictorM:

You don’t need your fwb but  you keep him around because he’s a bad habit. Much like cigarette smoking, for example, there’s some element of enjoyment even if overall smokers know their habit is bad for them. Quitting a bad habit can be difficult for some people.

It’s taking a toll in your relationship and it’s most likely to lead to its break-up. Sooner or later, this fwb habit is likely to come to your boyfriend’s attention and destroy your dream of marriage and children. Carrying a big lie is not only detrimental to your relationship, it’s a drag in your life.

Your fwb gets two things from this relationship: free sex and control. The sex he can get elsewhere, it’s the control over you that he enjoys the most. Knowing that you want to stop seeing him but can’t fuels his ego like nothing else. Plus he gets the added perk of knowing he’s fucking another guy’s girlfriend. That’s very satisfying for an egocentric. He doesn’t keep seeing you because he values you; he keeps seeing you because you’re like steroids for his ego.

kicking myself

Gertrude, 27, in San Francisco:

Hi Victor! I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a little over a month. Early on during one of our dates I let him know that I was not looking for anything too serious or long term, even though he said he probably wasn’t looking for something equally casual as me. After getting to know him better, I began kicking myself in the butt for planning my escape this early on. The last time we hung out (5th date), I expressed to him how I regret telling him I never wanted a relationship and that I would like to have it as a “possibility.” I also told him “I like you a lot.” I’ve been reading your advice religiously for years and I know I’ve broken a lot of rules.

Anyway, since then he hadn’t initiated contact with me for 2 weeks. I finally texted him a light hearted text. He was friendly but I can feel that he’s no longer trying to make further plans like he used to. I cut the conversation short, and he texted me saying I sounded cold and asked if anything was wrong. I responded later that nothing was wrong and asked him about a recent trip.

I really like him. Have I blown this? Anything I can do for possible redemption? :(

VictorM:

Yeah, such confessions of liking a guy before he says it generally result in this outcome. That’s because you go from being a challenge to being a “sure thing,” and the male ego demands a conquest phase, a seduction, before moving on to talk about feelings.

Your best bet is to become a challenge again. But that’s not easy to do.

Next time… don’t text him first. If you run into him or he texts you, do come across as a bit cold (not rude, just a bit aloof, distracted). Be evasive and intriguing. Be the first to “have to go” after a couple of minutes. The idea is to regain your mystery status and become a challenge.

huge no-no

Crystal, 30, in Bakersfield, CA:

This is such a great site! I came across it when I was googling “ex-hookup behavior” (pathetic, I know). Anyway, here’s hoping my question makes it into your answer pile…

I slept with a guy on the first date which I know is a huge no-no, but we had known each other/worked together as friends for a few months and talked quite a bit before he admitted that he liked me and then asked me out. I hadn’t planned on sleeping with him so soon, but we had this crazy sexual tension and it was so hard to resist…

Anyway, I was sure he would disappear after the first time, but he didn’t, and he was really affectionate and seemed like he did have real feelings for me. That is, until his ex came back into the picture and he cut off all communication with me. To be fair, he did tell me he wanted to “figure things out” and that he wasn’t “ready for a relationship before doing so,” but I felt like a colossal idiot all the same. I deleted his number and proceeded to move on.

Fast forward 8 or 9 months and I randomly ran into him at a friend’s workplace (he left our job shortly after we started hooking up). Neither one of us acknowledged the other at first, and then I figured I might as well be polite and/or clear out any awkwardness. I looked in his direction but then he looked away and down. Then he came from across the room, and I thought he was coming to me but he walked right by me without looking at me or saying a word. Why would he act that way? Embarrassment? Guilt? Fear that I would make a scene? I don’t think that I come off that way to anyone, and I guess I should probably dismiss this and move on, but I just can’t help wondering about it.

VictorM:

Odds are that he felt back then that things had gotten too far with you (most guys generally feel a greater sense of responsibility once sex takes place) and after the normal initial reaction of being polite and considerate (which you mistakenly interpreted as like he seemed to have feelings for you), he just needed to get away from any sense of commitment with you. This, of course, is a most common course once sex comes to easily and too soon.

Maybe his ex really did come into the picture but chances are that he either just said that or maybe he had some contact with her, but I’d wagger that the ex (if she even exists) was of no consequence; the overriding need on his part was to break it off with you.

Once he saw you 8 or 9 months later, he wasn’t about to start all over with something he had wanted to end. Chances are that if you had spoken with him he would have been polite, but to approach you first would have sent the signal he was interested. He wanted to make sure that was not the case.

So, no, I don’t think it was guilt, or embarrassment, or fear of you making a scene. He just didn’t want to risk sending the signal he wanted to restart anything with you (and yes, it was most likely because of the sex too soon).