• he doesn’t deserve me

    Break-up, Drama, My ex 26.01.2012 No Comments

    Rya, 23:

    Hey..

    I’ve been in this on-again off-again two year relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend. For the past few weeks I’ve found myself really evaluating the way he treats me. And I came to the same conclusion I have in the past -he doesn’t deserve me.

    I understand that he’s in college and he isn’t working, so during the week he doesn’t attempt to see me (and neither do I) because of our early schedules. But when he calls me throughout the day I feel as though he does it just to check up on me. He never initiates any real conversation and when I do, he interrupts or changes the subject etc. So, on weekends I look forward to spending time with him. However, Friday nights typically end early because he’s tired. And Saturday mornings his friends (religiously) call him to go ice fishing or plan to play hockey with him later on. I have NO problem with him having a social life, but the ONLY time we can spend time together IS Friday nights and Saturdays. He has been calling me controlling and “bitchy” for the sole reason I ask him to hang out with me instead. He tells me I keep him from what HE likes to do and continues to fight with me until he just leaves -never really trying to come to terms with how neglected I’ve been feeling lately.

    I asked him to make a compromise and come home earlier from hockey on Saturday night, he agreed but wouldn’t give me a definitive time. I called him and asked him where he got a pink Dickies sweater from, and he automatically thought I was accusing him of something and hung up on me. He didn’t come back early at all. He came back an hour after he normally does.

    I just had it to the limit with him. I told him to drive me home and I broke up with him. He said he didn’t care and called me more names and then said this is a good thing because he can and will do fishing and hockey whenever he pleases. He called me once the next day; I didn’t answer. And since then we haven’t talked.

    Although I may want him to WANT to spend more time with me, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t think I should have to force someone who says “I love you” to hang out with me any chance they get, right? Yes, sometimes I’m bossy but that’s because I KNOW what I want and deserve from a man. But now my only problem is my “addiction” to him. We always break up and end up back together after a few days to weeks…. WHY do you think I always go back or take him back when he treats me so poorly?! I don’t understand it. And it only gets worse and worse the harder we try to work things out! I HATE feeling like I miss him when I’m not with him, and when I’m with him, I HATE being with him because I can just anticipate a fight at some point in the day….. Please, let me know what you think I should do about it.

    VictorM:

    No matter how evil drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, or a mismatched boyfriend is to you, quitting an addiction or a habit is not easy. There are relapses and temptations aplenty. If every time you feel like you miss him you decide that the solution is to go back, you’ll never succeed. It takes fighting off those urges to make it work. If you don’t have sufficient willpower, conviction, and support, you’ll go back.

    But let me make something clear: it’s not him that you miss. You don’t go back because he’s special, because he’s the one for you, because you think next time things will be better; you go back because you’re addicted to drama. That’s what you can’t do without. That’s your addiction. So, you’re bound to have this same problem, whether it’s this one boyfriend or any other — chances are you will look for drama (what you called being “bossy”).

    People can get addicted to their own behaviors. I’m willing to bet that in your life outside your boyfriend, you have experienced similar situations. Maybe between your parents? Maybe you and your mother or siblings? If your want to delve into this more, tell me in the comments about your relationships with people are who significant in your life (the drama need not include you; if you have been a witness to the drama, that’s enough for you to be addicted now)…. So, tell me about your parents, siblings, best friends, prior boyfriend… how much drama have you been exposed to?

  • We met online, hit it off right away immediately

    Casual Dating, Sex 26.01.2012 No Comments

    Jilly, 38, in Chicago:

    Hi Victor,

    I appreciate all of your great advice.

    I am hoping you can help me decode this guy.

    I am 38, he is 39.  I have been single for 3 years.  Finally decided to look and went online.

    We met online, hit it off right away immediately.  Our first date he stayed the night, no sex, not even a kiss, he slept on the couch.  He stayed the whole next day, we went to lunch, cuddled and just talked.

    The next date he stayed over and we fooled around, no sex, but again he stayed the whole next day.

    We talked a few time, we spend 5-6 hours on the phone when we do talk.

    This is week 3, date 3, we have sex, he stays the whole day, goes home to take care of as few things, comes back ans stays again all night and all the next day.

    We have now been seeing each other for 7 weeks, having sex, spending whole weekends together, going out to dinner, lunch, long phone calls, it seems perfect.  We have so much in common and enjoy spending time together.  I really like him, im not in love, but I really like him.

    Here is the glitch, he has said we are not in a relationship, I told him we are ina relationship.  Dating is a relationship.  He has said, I’m not your boyfriend.  He said we should not have slept together because it complicates things.  I told him lets stop having sex then.  Of course we are still having sex.

    He still checks his online profile, He tells me he is not dating anyone else, I made it clear I will not sleep with him if he is sleeping with someone else.  He has said he is not talking to other women.  So why is he still looking? What does he want from me?  He says he wants to be my friend first, but then he rushed into sex right along with me.

    He has me very confused.

    So does he want to be in a relationship with me?  Is he just having steady sex with me while looking for something better?  I can wait a few months to see where this goes, but is it going to go somewhere or have we run our course?

    VictorM:

    My mantra here on this subject is this: if you do girlfriend-like things with a guy who isn’t your boyfriend, you’ll get screwed.  In this case, the situation is even worse because you started doing the girlfriend-like things when you thought you had a relationship going. And he didn’t make himself clear early on. That means his “we’re not in a relationship” is probably a change of heart, which does not bode well for you.

    If he’s willing to spend time with you and have sex with you and isn’t willing to call it a relationship it’s a strong bet to say you’re filler. The odds are now against him taking you seriously. And don’t expect him to tell you everything about his online activities or if he’s actually seeing other women. Why? Because you’re not his girlfriend. He doesn’t HAVE to tell you.

    Now you see why he doesn’t want a relationship?

  • a couple of dates with a guy from eharmony

    Casual Dating, Rejection 26.01.2012 2 Comments

    Jessica, 30, in North Carolina:

    Hi! I recently went on a couple of dates with a guy from eharmony. We talked online for a couple of weeks, and then got together for a date. It went really well.  I am not a very subtle person so I sent him a message saying, ” Hey am I going to see you again after Christmas?” His family lives out of state so I knew that it would not be before the holidays. He promptly called me that evening and said that he wanted to see me again for sure. He called a couple of times over his Christmas vacation, and we made plans to meet the day after he got back. We met for lunch, and again had a wonderful time. When we were leaving he gave me a giant extended hug with a big squeeze at the end. He knew that I was headed out of town for the new year so he sent me a message that night saying “I had a great time today, hope you arrived safely, and have a great time.” I sent him a message back the next say saying hey, got here etc. Never heard anything back. So of course I waited two days then sent him a text asking if he wanted to see this exhibit. Nothing. I remembered him saying that his texting skills leave a lot to be desired so I did not think anything was wrong. When I still had not heard anything (I think it had been 4 days since we spoke) I sent him a message on eharmony acting really non-nonchalant asking if he had weekend plans, and that I wanted to try out the new appliances that I had received for Christmas.  He called me that evening and said that he wanted to have me over to his place to cook. I was thrilled. I arrived, and everything was great. The romance was turned on 100%. While dinner was cooking he turned on music, and slow danced with me in the kitchen. While we danced he kissed me. It was amazing! We then jammed out together, and acted goofy to 80′s songs. Then we dined my candlelight. He had picked up flowers, and had them in the formal dining room to set the mood.  I thought for a guy he did a great job.  After dinner he showed me pictures of his family and friends, told me stories about his childhood, asked me about myself. We shared things like birth dates, and middle names, and parents names, etc.  It was awesome. We talked about things that we like to do, our pasts. I felt like he really wanted to get to know each other. He put his arms around me, held my hands. Complimented my jewelry, and style etc.  After talking, and watching TV for a bit things got cozy, and one thing lead to another. I told him I was not ready for sex. He was not exactly thrilled when I said that we should keep things PG-13. He said, ” How old are we again?” I was taken aback. We did have a lot of wine with dinner. So I brushed it off as he was just turned on, and disappointed. He asked me to stay just to be there with him, and of course through the night one thing lead to another, and we ended up sleeping together. He held me all night even getting slightly upset when I tuned away from him once saying, “You don’t want to cuddle?” He kept contact with some part of my body the entire night.  The next morning he made breakfast, and coffee and was super sweet. Gave me a kiss and a hug in his driveway. Opened my car door, and waved and waited until I had backed out completely out and drove away. He then called me the same night after a volleyball game he had to tell me that his team had won, and to tell me that he had a great time. He asked for my email address, and I offered him my work address because it is just my name with the @blah.com. He said “no no your personal” so I gave it to him. We talked for a bit, and I told him that I had a great time, and he agreed that he did as well. I was on cloud nine!

    Two days later he calls. We chit chat for a minute, and I ask if he has any plans for the weekend. He then says, ” Yea about that. I really hate to do this but, I just don’t see us working out. I just don’t.” I was so shocked all I could say was, ” Ok well thanks for calling to tell me.” He said “take care” and I hung up. I was stunned. That was the LAST thing I expected him to say. The following day I sent him an email basically saying that I was sorry that I shut down on the phone the previous evening, and I just stated a couple of things that bothered me.  He called me the same night that I sent the email. I asked him what happened, and he said “You’ve never has this happen?” No. I haven’t. I have never dated someone that gave me all the signs that things were going 100% well then to just shut down and say it’s not going to work out. I asked him why he shared all of those personal things about himself, and his family, etc if he wasn’t feeling it. Why the call to say he had a great time, just to dump me 48 hours later?  He said that he has been in my shoes before, and he knows how bad it feels, etc.  He said you know sometimes “Cupid just misses.” WHAT?

    Could you please help me. Where these signs that he did indeed enjoy dating me? It makes me second guess my judgement as to what is going well, and what is not.  What can I look for next time? What happened with this guy? Why would he call the day after we hooked up to get further contact information, and to tell me about his game then to just turn around and tell me it’s not going to work out. I am so confused.

    VictorM:

    I don’t think it’s your judgment that’s in question but rather, your understanding of men. You, like most women, think that the man’s behavior on a date with you is a reflection of what he thinks of you, that if he acts all attentive than it means you’re the one triggering that attention. But that’s not the way it works.

    When a guy goes on a date, he wants to impress the girl. He wants her to like him. So he dresses nice, gets in his best behavior, puts his best foot forward, is as charming as he can possibly be, and does many of the things he thinks will make the gir like him. But at this point, he’s not doing these things because he likes the girl, he’s doing it for himself. With men, ego comes first. getting the girl to like him is goal number one. So he dazzles her. Now, he’s not lying; he’s doing what he has learned, what his personality allows, what he feels is necessary to impress her. He does all of these things whether he likes her or not; he’s doing it all for himself, for his ego.

    In the process, he’s also trying to learn as much about her as he can. And so he asks all kinds of questions. Again, that doesn’t mean he already likes her, it just means he’s learning about her.

    This guy went through all of this because he found you sexually appealing. If he didn’t, there wouldn’t be a second date. And you obviously made enough of an impression for him to continue. But guys don’t get sold on a girl that easily. It takes time. And during that time, guys are quite open to dating other girls casually. Guys seldom put all their eggs on one basket, mainly because guys take a lot longer than girls to like a partner.

    In this case, his first goal was accomplished — he impressed you enough that you liked him. His ego now feels satisfied and the urge to impress you declined. (This is why, by the way, when girls get disenchanted with a boyfriend’s behavior and want him to be like he was in the beginning, it never happens! The guy no longer needs to impress her, and that changes everything). Anyway, after giving you as much attention as necessary to decide if you were a good match for him, he came to the conclusion that you weren’t a match. And so, the courtship was over. He’s moving on to the next girl and he will dazzle her with basically the same routine.

    So, keep in mind, during the courtship phase guys go the extra mile to impress the girl for the purpose of satisfying their own ego first, not because they like her. The attention a guy pays to a date is a reflection of his own manners, his style, his upbringing, his ego needs, etc. not a reflection of how much he likes the girl.

  • Confidential to Nina in South Korea

    Confidential 25.01.2012 No Comments

    You have him figured out quite well. He needs professional therapy. Without it, you both have an uphill climb to be happy.

    Do not give him an ultimatum. When he’s rational he doesn’t need it and when he becomes irrational it doesn’t matter. You’d just be putting yourself in a corner.

    His behavior has nothing to do with what you say or do. This is all about him — his upbringing, his culture, his family life, his personal experiences, his temperament.

    His behavior has nothing to do with him being a good person or a bad person. He’s just a guy with baggage that he doesn’t know how to deal with. And unless he learns, you’re not going to be happy with him, no matter how hard you try. Sure, you can adjust, but still, in the end, the baggage is there and all you’ll find is yourself giving up more and more of yourself, only to realize later that none of it made any difference.

    You can try to accept him and deal with his behavior. That will require a lot of patience from you and learning to recognize his vulnerable times and controlling yourself. That’s won’t be easy.

    Imagine three lanes… the center lane is balance. The traits that give us balance include but are not limited to calm, fairness, goodness, dedication, loyalty, commitment, honesty, etc. On the left lane, you find traits like people pleasing, succumbing to peer pressure, fear, concern, worry, guilt, etc. And on the right you find things like violence, anger, short temper, mistrust, jealousy, recklessness…  Most of us live in the middle and pay some visits to the left or the right lane, but we fight to return to the middle as quickly as we can. But here’s the clincher: the more time you spend on one lane or the deeper you go into it, the more you are likely to overcompensate by going the other way deep into the opposite lane, and that leaves far too little time to spend in the middle, to find balance.

    Your guy is such a people pleaser and unable to do anything about it that when he finds himself aggravated by it, he swings all the way to the right lane, bypassing the middle. His life becomes a ping-pong between the left and the right. And if you try to talk to him as someone in the middle, he can’t relate to you. It’s like you’re talking a different language.

    So, after he freaks out on you (right lane behavior), and he feels bad, and is guilty and agrees to try harder and seems so understanding, he’s not in the middle — he’s all the way on the left and starting to accumulate rancor that will propel him sometime later to swing all the way to the right.

    You see why all you good intentions to talk to him are usually for naught?

    Unless he can find the skills/motivation/knowledge to talk to you middle-to-middle, you’re both wasting your time.

    If this makes some sense to you, let me know in the comments and I’ll give you some suggestions for you to pass on to him to help him, if you think he will consider the ideas. But you need to understand, he’s the one that needs fixing!

  • we told each other we have fond feelings for each other

    Casual Dating, Sex 24.01.2012 1 Comment

    Sarah, 24, in NY:

    I’ll make this as short as possible. I’ve been seeing this guy for like a month and we told each other we have fond feelings for each other. A week later we had decided to become official. He then admittedly told me he had slept around with other females during that month. I am quite upset about this and I’m not sure at that stage that we were allowed to do that! I thought if you liked someone you wouldn’t be sleeping around with other females! Am I wrong in this case? Please help!

    VictorM:

    Yes, you are wrong about that, at least when it comes to guys. Causal dating doesn’t imply exclusivity. In fact, most guys seldom casually date just one girl at a time. Men like choices and quantity. Guys exercise that instinct unless and until they’re officially committed (and even then, it’s a constant struggle for many).

    Things you need to know about guys in this respect: Liking one girl doesn’t stop guys from liking other girls; Wanting to be exclusive with one girl is easier if guys have other options during the selection process; Liking a girl is not necessary to want to sleep with her — sex and love can be mutually exclusive — it’s really more a matter of opportunity.

  • he was always in a lot of trouble

    Peer Pressure 24.01.2012 No Comments

    Shelly, 22:

    My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and he has been in the Military the entire time…we are planning on moving back to our home state soon, and I have some concerns about this.

    In Highschool, he was always in a lot of trouble..into drugs, drinking, and hungout with the wrong crowd. He has obviously changed being in the Military, but has still always been very influenced by the people around him.

    He swears nothing is going to go back to how it used to be, as he has severed ties with MOST of his old friends….but I have seen how he acts when we have went home in the past just for a trip and who he hangs out with, and that is what has me scared.

    I do not want him to pickup where he left off after highschool, or even hangout with the same people as they are such bad influences on him.

    I know I cannot control what he does, but should I be totally trusting him or do I have the right to be worried? I know NOT trusting him is not helping the situation, but I can’t seem to help it.

    VictorM:

    You have every right to be worried because people who are easily influenced by peer pressure and “mold” themselves to the tastes and preferences of those they want to impress, can easily fall back into that trap.

    He’s not a little boy anymore. Part of him gaining enough confident to deal with his “bad” friends comes from support and trust in his ability to do it. There are no words you can use now that will stop him unless he himself wants to do it.

    You can and should put your foot down, however, IF he starts hanging with those bad friends. But unless and until he does, let the issue go. You’ve made your fears known. Now you got to give him a chance to succeed on his own.

  • I have a coworker that I’ve been hanging out with for the last few months

    Coworkers 24.01.2012 1 Comment

    A, 28, in NC:

    I have a coworker that I’ve been hanging out with for the last few months. I have not been interested in him beyond a platonic friendship partly because he is a coworker, and I don’t want my intimate life intermingled with my professional career.  However, I have some warning bells around his behavior and choices that make me concerned that he may be taking more interest than I’d be interested in having.

    I am perfectly happy with having a platonic friendship with him (He doesn’t make the mark for what I’m looking for in a partner), however, I’m not sure if he really has interest, or if this is just him opening up in a friendship (I have had platnoice friendships with males before, so I don’t believe every guy interacting w/ me is after me for more.  I trust those platonic friendships really were platonic b/c most of them have entered or have been in relationships with others during our friendship).

    However, I like to include/invite friends along to do things that I’ll be going to, often my invititations were just this aspect of my character, and not a reflection of romantic interest. I recognize that my innate personality may send the wrong message to guys sometimes, while in my mind we’re just platnoic friends. There have been times in my youth where I was either oblivious to someone liking me, or misinterpreted someone’s behavior as liking me, so I’m asking you for your opinion of the situation, and an opinion on how I could handle things if he does like me.

    Background:
    I met him when I started working at our company, and he has always come across to me as a pretty easy going, nice guy, so any non-work related discussions or chats have often been light hearted, usually me initiating, not out of interest in him, but rather because he was one of the few people I felt comfortable being casual with at work.  And we all need breaks from work now and then, so he was a good person to not be serious with here and there.  Interaction up until a few months back has been very sparse and sporadic, and never beyond these kinds of random, casual chats (very short chats usually, like a few words as I pass by).

    Toward the end of last summer, I noticed some of the guys in the office would play some free online game, and I inquired about it, because I was looking for a fun game to play in my free time. So I started playing this game online, sometimes with this coworker and another coworker, and sometimes with random people if they weren’t online. For the most part, I played on my own or with the other coworker, and it wasn’t until maybe a month or so later, that I would play with this coworker more (often with other people, since there was a team vs team game).

    I would say the game opened up the channel for us to interact more, as I had switched to a different department prior to that year. We were often playing with others online, and the chats were usually very superficial and game related. In Nov and Dec, we would grab meals together occasionally (around 1-2x week, after work, or after playing for some stretch on weekends).  For Thanksgiving, I had plans to grab dinner with a group of friends that I see movies w/ on weekends, and we had an extra seat open for our dinner reservation, so I had invited him along (He had not been the first person I had invited, but he did accept and come with us).  Our online chatting also started to increase outside of the game (usually talking about trip planning, see next paragraph)

    Around this time I had jokingly asked him if he was taking his time off that year b/c the first yr I worked there, he chose not to take any of his remaining PTO b/c he “wouldn’t know what to do with himself.”  At that time, he said he wasn’t sure, and I encouraged him to take it, and asked him if he liked traveling, b/c he should go somewhere and do something fun.  To which he responded that he would like to travel and do something fun, but thought it was too much work to plan a trip (not sure if he had ever done so on his own before).  So I *very* jokingly said, if he paid for half my costs, I’d plan something.  I was actually rather surprised when he said ok, as I had not been serious, and didn’t think he’d take it serious either.

    However, since he agreed, I figured I’d at least look into some ideas. After tossing around a few options, we agreed to go skiing one weekend for a couple nights (It was actually Xmas weekend b/c it was a 4 day weekend for us, and I wasn’t taking any time off, so that was the best time. When he mentioned he usually spent xmas w/ his parents, I told him we didn’t have to do that weekend, but he chose to rearrange his schedule w/ his parents to make the trip work. He hadn’t been skiing since high school and grew up doing it, so I think that’s part of why he really wanted to go skiing).

    I was a bit nervous about the trip because I had not spent a lot of time with him prior to that point, nor did we really know each other much beyond work and the game.  However, I was quite relieved that he respected privacy and space at our accomodations without me needing to draw any lines.  For example, when I told him that the accomodation would have one bed but there would also be a couch in the sitting area, he said he would bring his sleeping bag without me otherwise prompting or suggesting sleeping separately, and he would also ask if he could go upstairs before going up (the only shower was upstairs where the bed was).  Also, when we were discussing our eating in plans, it became clear to me that he hadn’t really planned around that, so I said if I cooked, he had clean up duty, and he agreed (and kept his part of the agreement well).  In general, I thought he was very respectful and courteous during the trip, and the easy going, casual nature of our interactions persisted through the trip, as well.  During the trip, I had let him know that I don’t like to mix work and personal much, but since we were in different departments, friends was ok.  He jokingly said “I guess I shouldn’t transfer into your team then” in response.

    Since that trip, we chat a little more on IM about things aside from the game and any trip planning (he wanted to go skiing again) and we grab a meal maybe abour 2x a week on avg (sometimes 3).  His unprompted dialogue usually involves him talking about a personal project he is working on (the challenges he’s coming across or what progres he made) and random stuff his cat does. Occasionally other random topics come up (he brought up Invader Zim the other day for some reason).  I don’t sense much hesitation from him to ping me to see if I want to grab a bite to eat, and if I mention some activity or food/restaurant, he’ll usually pick up on my interest and either voice interest or ask if I want to go.

    There was one time I was displeased with something he did (in a conversation he had with another coworker, he positioned the responsibility on me to make a decision about this coworker joining us for an activity or not), and while I was asking him questions to understand the situation and conversation, he realized what he had done and apologized. I think he was genuinely apologetic, but the convesation was all through IM, so I didn’t have any other indicators to support the impression.

    I could go into more details around more of our interactions if necessary, I’m just trying not to be too heavy in the details, but still highlight some things I’ve noticed.

    Back to the Issue:
    The things that have made me concerned that he might have more interest are:
    - Prior to us hanging out more, he would usually get wings and drink w/ some coworkers on Tue and Thurs after work, but more recently, I noticed he’s willing to pass on those typical activities to grab a meal with me, if I’m up for something.
    - Tonight, he asked me a food question that would have been strange for him to ask (I’m vegan, he’s not, and he asked a vegan food question), and when I asked him why he asked (after answering him), he responded with a hypothetical “well, if I ever invite you over for dinner” and that he wouldn’t have anything vegan that would be “very comprehensive.”  The fact that he’s considering 1) inviting me over for a meal 2) preparing something for me really caught my attention.
    - He recently actually invited me to go go karting with a few of our other coworkers after work. I had invited him to join my movie friends and I for meals or movies, but this was the first time he invited me to join him, aside from going to get wings and beer with the coworkers (which I don’t eat meat, nor drink so he knew I was unlikely to go).

    If he really is developing interest, I want to be sensitive to it, and be able to handle it gracefully in a way where he understands that I’m happy being friends. While I’d be sad if he’d lose all interest in friendship once I make that clear, I’d rather he move on than have an insincere friendship.  I’d just like some suggestions on how I can approach the situation and any conversation I might have.

    One other item is that while I told him that I don’t like to mingle work and personal, I’m starting to get the impression his understanding of this may not be on the same page with what that means to me, or maybe he forgot.  I tend to try to keep my personal life very private and away from work, and the thought of coworkers thinking my coworker friend and I are dating, b/c we’re hanging out, makes me uncomfortable for 2 reasons: 1) I don’t like people believing or thinking something untrue about me (unfortunately I can’t control that) b/c it is likely that they’ll talk and spread untrue things and 2) I don’t want it to become a professional/work issue on some level (professional conflict of interest with work responsibilities, etc). I’ve considered talking to him about it to make sure the item is cleared up so he knows where I stand, and there’s no ambiguity or future friction (like the earlier friction point when he mentioned some of our plans to a few coworkers), but since he was apologetic about that incident already, I didn’t want to kick dust up about it again (about a different point).

    What are your impressions about his disposition, and how I might be able to handle these 2 situations/conversations?

    VictorM:

    I didn’t even have to read your whole submission (but I did read it all) to know the answer to your question.

    Yes, he spends time with you because he finds you romantically appealing. By the way, that’s the same with all the other platonic friends you mentioned; they may not have acted on it or they may have thought you didn’t feel the same way, but guys have no need for female friendships. What guys do, and what your coworker is doing, is getting to know a girl they find romantically attractive under the guise of friendship because this way they can get to know her, enjoy her company, and be around an attractive girl without the responsibilities and obligations of a relationship.

    By the way, telling him you don’t mix business and pleasure is not be a deterrent; it probably is more incentive because guys love a challenge and getting you to do something you didn’t want to do is enough of an incentive to keep trying. Besides, your dinner invitations and vacation together betray that message (from his point of view).

    There are only two outcomes of this interaction: either you develop feelings for him and you become a couple or you don’t and the “friendship” fizzes and fades. Why? Because guys have no need for friendships with attractive females. If the fantasy of more (sex or romance) isn’t there, his interest will disappear.

  • Did I dodge a bullet?

    Behavior, Casual Dating 24.01.2012 No Comments

    Ann, 48, in Pennsylvania:

    Did I dodge a bullet, or was I just too eager?

    Hi Victor,

    I met a man who (incidentally)- lives down the road from me – on a dating website. He is 52 to my 48. At the first date, we went to a restaurant, and had drinks; we had a good time, although he remarked that I seemed nervous, which was true, because I was literally cramming for a nursing exam that very night for the next morning. However, Most men I have dates with, if they have interest in me, are very smiley and have never said something like that – don’t know if he was just more upfront or less polite? (He didn’t really smile for a while when I met him). After a while we had a good chat, but he didn’t really ask very many questions about myself – instead I asked about his interests, work, etc. – maybe he asked a little about me, but not very much. But at the end of the evening, I offered to help pay for the drinks and he said “no, I’ll pay if you agree to see me again.” I laughed and rubbed his arm a little, to show I had some interest – I regretted that later, because I thought it showed that I was coming on to him ( I haven’t actually had sex in a few years, even though I’ve date a lot, because it just didn’t present itself or I wasn’t interested). He kissed me good night, and said that the next week he wanted to take me to this fancy restaurant in West Chester, PA, and could I make it  Friday the 20th(5:30 PM), because he made reservations. I said great. Then, the next day he called me, and we talked a long time about our days at work. He wanted to meet me out someplace, but I had to study. Then the next (Wednesday) he called again, reminding me of our date on Friday at the swanky restaurant, and this time I asked him if he wanted to meet me someplace to chat that night, since neither of us were doing anything and he lives a few blocks from me. So we had drinks – the 76ers were playing the Denver Nuggets – and we chatted a little bit, mostly about him, and then he said, could he watch the game a little? I said, sure. At the end of the date  he kissed me good night at my apartment, and the kissing got a little heavy, so I invited him into my apartment, where we kissed and fooled around a little, but didn’t have sex. He left fairly early.The next day (tonight) he called and although he was pleasant, his voice was curt and he was short. He said that he couldn’t go to the swanky restaurant in West Chester, because he had to watch his 1 1/2 grand daughter because her mother was “called into work.” This excuse sounded kind of phony to me. He kept telling me throughout all our dates how his daughter doesn’t work a professional job and he has this great extended Italian family with seven brother and sisters and grandchildren and great-grandparents that love this child, so, I thought, why wouldn’t someone come over to babysit this child? I know that there may be much more to this that he hasn’t told me, but if I liked a guy, and it was early on in dating, I would have kept my word and if not  been more apologetic – he did apologize and offer to take me out Saturday, but I told him upfront that this sounded odd to me; it was just my intuition, but it seemed that he had another date or something more important to do.

    I assume that I showed that I was too eager when I invited him to go out to the bar near our houses. I know that it is never good to invite a man in your house that early in dating. However, even at the first date, I have never had someone complain I was “too nervous”; this just sounds critical, and he never asked me that much about myself, so I assume that the interest was never there and if I did see him again, it would be all about sex. So I said that I’d call if I ever wanted to go out again, but I won’t this weekend. So the whole thing is over.

    Did I dodge a bullet? Or was I just too easy?

    VictorM:

    In circumstances like this you have to trust your instincts. But I can understand that emergencies often come up at the most inopportune times. And whether it’s part of a people pleasing personality or other family dynamics that you may not be aware of, he could have a valid reason for not declining the baby sitting responsibility.

    This early in your interaction with him I’d be much more worried about him if he had put you ahead of his daughter and grandchild. If you can’t understand that at this point you are not someone or major consequence on his life, chances are that you’re far too needy for most men. If he cancelled with you to help his daughter, I’d say he has his priorities straight.

    But having said, I return to my initial statement… trust your instincts.

  • i wonder when he will ever take me seriously?

    Behavior, Control, My Male Friend 23.01.2012 No Comments

    mehr, 20, in Bombay:

    I known this guy for 5 years and we always had a soft corner for each other despite being committed but after we both left for college we both became single. this winter I was in his city for an internship and we kind of hit it off right away. everything went smooth and romantic and it was all genuine and in the eyes. after i left we both didn’t know what to do. i know he likes me a lot because he’s very attached to me and  there is not a day we don’t talk. but my problem is his ego and devil-may-care attitude. I don’t like being treated like a child and don’t like being dominated. If i try to stand up to him he stays quite and doesn’t talk but if i don’t then he just treats me like i’m dumb. either way he wants me around. i wonder when he will ever take me seriously? pls don’t say talk to him cause obviously I’ve done that. I know he likes me a lot. I like him too. but his attitude is just bad. pls help

    VictorM:

    When you ask: “i wonder when he will ever take me seriously?” it implies that you have to do something or enough time has to pass for him to take you seriously. But in reality, not taking you seriously is a personality trait of his. You can’t change that, only he can. For now, all you can do is learn to deal with it.

    Talking to him is not something I would recommend. I’m more inclined to recommend the dog training method. That is, when you want a dog to perform a trick or want to house break him, you don’t have a conversation with the dog. You simply assert your authority, stay calm, correct him when he doesn’t do what you command, and keep repeating the process until the dog does it right. Then , and only then, you reward him. You treat a guy such as you friend the same way.

    So, when your  guy treats you like a child, you point it how by saying something like “I’d appreciated it if you didn’t do that. Thanks.” Do not accuse him of treating you like a child. That only makes him defensive and he may not be aware you don’t like it. If he says he’s only kidding, or you shouldn’t be upset, or… really, it doesn’t matter what he says, you just repeat the same line over and over:  ”I’d appreciated it if you didn’t do that. Thanks.” If he becomes annoying about it, just get up and leave, without anger, without yelling. He shouldn’t be allowed the pleasure of your company unless he agrees to do as you request. If he accepts the correction and admits he did something wrong or says he won’t do it again, reward him in some nice way.

    See, the thing is you can’t control his natural tendencies, but you can control what you accept. But this only works if you you’re willing to accept that he controls his behavior and you only control your reaction. And if he doesn’t respond after you try this a few times, you may have to cut him off from your life. If you don’t feel you can cut him off even if he mistreats you, you will lose and be unhappy.

  • I’m recently trying online dating

    Online dating 23.01.2012 5 Comments

    Ellie, 25, in Lawton, Oklahoma:

    I’m recently trying online dating. Since I’ve never used online dating before and wasn’t sure if I wanted to jump into a paid subscription yet, I set up a profile on OkCupid for free. I was excited to see what happened, but so far I’ve just been disappointed and confused after a month of being on the site.

    I’ve been getting a lot of messages, but none from the type of guy I see myself dating. I’ve only gotten messages from trashy types: guys who are looking for one night stands, never went to college, can’t string a proper sentence together to save their life, profile pics are of them in a sleazy tank top with baggy pants (or no shirt at all), or already have multiple kids.

    I’m not trying to be harsh or judgmental. There’s nothing wrong with those things if that’s what you’re looking for or if it’s appealing you. But that’s definitely not what I’m looking for! Additionally, messages I send to guys I find appealing don’t get responses. I don’t think my standards are too high. My only must-haves are college educated, clean cut, fun personality, goal-oriented, and someone I find physically attractive, and I don’t think a guy has to look like a movie star to be attractive, either.

    I know I’m not perfect, but I think I’ve got good things going for me. I’m smart (have a Master’s degree), nice, funny, pretty with at least an average body type (I’m size 10 and a runner). My profile pics are flattering, and I don’t see anything glaringly wrong with my profile information. The only turn-offs I can think of is that I listed my political views as liberal (I’m in a pretty conservative area with a big military population) and I named my religion as Christianity (I’m not really a religious person, but I know some people jump to assumptions when it comes to religion). This whole issue is really starting to make me feel anxious and take a hit to my self-esteem!

    So what gives? Why am I catching all the wrong fish? And why am I not getting messages/responses from guys I feel are in my league? Am I wrong about the league I’m supposed to be in, and maybe the seemingly trashy types are my league? There also just aren’t that many young professional types in my area anyways, and there’s also a large military population from the local army base. Could that be it? Maybe there just aren’t as many good candidates in the pool as there are trashy ones? I hope you can give me some insight, because I just don’t get it!

    VictorM:

    Most guys won’t even read too much past your pictures before deciding to contact you, so I don’t see you defining yourself as “liberal” or “Christian” having much to do with it.

    While I think online dating in general has been a bonanza for sleazy guys whether the online site is free or paid for, I think paid services improve your odds of finding somewhat more educated and financially more stable men.

    But you really have to be prepared to ignore  a whole slew of guys contacting you that you may not be interested in. That’s not because of you doing something wrong or because it’s a reflection on you; it is so because online dating is an easy way for any guy who otherwise wouldn’t have the courage, the means, or the opportunity to stand a chance with you, to all of a sudden be in equal footing with any other guy. They contact you because they have nothing to lose.

    Also, keep in mind that while as a female you’re looking for one quality guy, guys are wired to seek quantity before settling on quality. That means that almost all guys, even the nice ones, will at first be considering you as one of many possibilities. You become more attractive to the nicer ones if you stick to your principles.

    Rejecting a lot of guys isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a sign that you’re doing something right and you’re avoiding just being another notch in the belt of thrill seekers.

  • I always thought he had a soft spot for me

    LDR, My Male Friend 23.01.2012 No Comments

    Sar, 27, in Melbourne:

    Hello, Im hoping you can give me some feedback on your thoughts and intentions of this guy..

    Ok so Ive been friends with him since high school, all our friends are mutual. I always thought he had a soft spot for me (and my mum thought the same as he used to serve her at a department store he worked at while he was studying for his masters, and they would discuss me..as mums usually do with others)

    ANYWAY, at the time and for 5 years I was in a semi long distance relationship with a guy and eventually moved to London to be closer to him (my now ex) who was in France. This particular guy friend came over to visit London a few months after I left and he initiated we have a lunch date with a couple of our mutual friends who were also in London, however in the end only I could make it, so we had lunch and he shouted everything and it was great and hilarious like it always is with him..but I was still in a r/ship and didn’t see him in that way..although I had a feeling he wanted things to progress differently..

    So fast forward to a few years later..I’ve since broken up with the Frenchy ex and am back in town after living overseas. Now for some bizarre reason Ive started feeling all these romantic feelings for that same guy friend as my experience from my ex basically taught me who I  SHOULD have been with and who I should avoid.

    Anyway this friend has since moved to another city about 4hrs drive away for work in government (he moved two years ago) but I had seen he was in town via facebook so I sent him a message saying “Im in town here is my number lets catch up its been too long”. So that night he came out with me and we had a blast like always, danced the night away with another mutual friend and when we were dancing rather intimately he smooched me on the forehead. After that in taxi on way back to our respective homes, he was very interested in what had happened, asked me a lot of questions that were quite personal about my family, like which parent I’m closest to..weird.. I told him about my relationship and what went wrong and that I wont do another long distance thing again and blah blah..we then started talking about past memories and he laughed about how I used to be such a geek always playing world of warcraft in summer of 2007/08 etc, and he remembered all this stuff about me!

    We then caught up next day aswell and same thing, alot of sharing of personal stuff about his life/work and how he hates the city where he is stationed due to it being small and boring..and began asking me what I thought about this and that etc.. So anyway was a great weekend with him and he then took off back to this other city and communication stopped between us, since then we both have initiated catching up when he is down (each month) but with no in-between contact, I should note..and don’t know if this is relevant..that he picture messaged me my old business card after we caught up when he got back home.. he said ‘he had found it while packing..’ which I thought was sweet that he had kept it for that long (a few years).

    Fast forward a few more wild gatherings/parties and fun with him and our mutual friends and then I randomly shot him a text one day when he was down over Xmas saying we should hang at the beach.. just us.. during this date he reminisced about old times and my 21st (years ago) and seems to remember alot about me and past memories together, (his memory is extraordinary (compared to mine anyway as I forget everything.. he even remembered a party years ago that we were at and I couldnt remember being there!) he also asked me more questions about what sports I like and how my new job was.

    Anyway had fun at the beach and he messaged me again that night and the next night to see what I was doing but both nights I was busy, so then New Years came and he messaged me that afternoon asking if I could do a quick beach session before I headed out to my pre planned NY event, I said I was trying to nap beforehand and I couldn’t because I had to leave in a couple of hours and also get ready still.. so he then messaged again saying..”I was going to nap too on the beach, I’ve packed a mini esky and can pick you up if you want?” I replied saying I really couldn’t and whatever else I said and went out as planned.

    So since then I messaged how his new years was and such and such and he messaged back saying it was fun blah blah and I replied with cool, take care etc..and now once again as always back to NO communication.

    So fast forward to now.. my friend invited him to an organised event which is happening next week..and he has RSVPd that he will come down.. So in short (even this has been absurdly long) I really like him, but am unsure how to progress from here and if I should make a move or not or keep things going as they are (have fun when he visits) until he comes home for good to work back here (he has signed on for another year!)

    What do you recommend and see here? Is he interested, even though he doesn’t communicate with me at all when he is away?

    Thanks  and much appreciated!

    VictorM:

    At this point, this could go either way. These types of “friendships” could lead to a relationship or could lead to nothing. I say “friendship” (in quotes) because his interest in you is not any more platonic than your interest in him. You’re both doing a dance that hints of romantic interest but neither one of you is saying so. And for good reason: neither one is sure of it yet.

    Guys don’t do long distance very well and you told him you’re not interested in another long distance relationship. That alone is enough to leave the situation hanging.

    His lack of contact in between visits is very typical of male behavior, whether interest is there or not.

    I don’t think telling him you like him would be wise. More often than not it backfires. You’re better off letting the “friendship” continue and waiting till he moves back to your town to see how it goes.

    One thing you can be sure of: if he loses romantic interest in you, you will know it because the “friendship” will be over as well.

  • Working

    Communication 20.01.2012 1 Comment

    Veronica, 23, in Pennsylvania:

    Trying to make this as short as possible …

    I’ve been “talking” to this guy for about 2 months & he’s really everything I’ve been looking for. Sweet, honest, doesn’t pressure sex, flat out tells me he likes me, etc.

    But we were recently texting (our major form of communication aside from face to face) about girls that play games & such, I’m not one of them, & he told me “When it comes to girls I tend not to work that hard”. So I responded, trying to be cute, saying something like “So you’re this sweet without even trying?” & added something about how it’s always nice to feel like someone is sort of working to win you over. I mean we both want this to evolve into a “official” relationship, we’ve talked about it. And his answer to that was he’s “picky about the work he does” & once it feels like work he’s “out no matter what” & “won’t budge”.
    I told him that my adage, specifically to relationships is that if it’s not worth working or fighting for, then it’s not really worth anything. And added that perhaps we just have a different idea of what “working” is.

    So my question is; what the hell does he mean? Once something goes wrong in a relationship he bails? Am I wasting my time? I’d like to go into more detail with him about it, but I don’t want to scare him off. However if I know he doesn’t think a relationship is worth working for I may be wasting my time regardless.

    Thanks for any help, I really appreciate it.

    VictorM: 

    I think you’re getting tangled up over the definition of the word “working” in this context. And this is a case where men and women apply different interpretations. You’re risking spoiling something that seems promising over that definition.

    I think that you mean “working” in terms of showing affection, doing things to show he’s thinking of you, making you feel that he really wants to spend time with you, etc. But a guy who likes you doesn’t see that as “work,” he sees it as the normal course of events. In his mind, “working” means dealing with someone who is high maintenance, needy, petty,  demanding, etc… and who wants to work for that?

    Make sure you clarify to each other what you mean by “working.” Or better yet, drop the issue altogether.

  • a venting session

    Behavior, Flirting 20.01.2012 No Comments

    Renee, 24, in NY:

    This is less of a question than a venting session, since i can guess what the answer will sound like.

    it starts with a guy. i met him as a frequent patron of the place he works. we started joking about hooking up almost from the second time i saw him. we didn’t do anything, though. i never even saw him outside of his place of work. for about a year, i would come in, we’d flirt, and go our merry way. i think we both thought the other was half-joking throughout, except i really started to care. he would often be hot, then cold, and just when i’d resigned to be over it, he would be extra-hot again. except we still never did anything. one night, i even ended up sleeping at his place, i on the couch while he was in bed. after that i was sure it was all just supposed to be for fun. shortly after, i moved to a town about two hours away. i’d go back occasionally to visit old friends, i’d see him at work,and we’d bemoan the fact that we didn’t take advantage while i still lived there.

    then, i took a one-year contract job overseas. he seemed sad about it and one night, called me several times. we hung out, went to his place, and slept together.

    while i was away, i didn’t think of him much. i sent one, brief message online throughout the whole year. when i got back and went into town and saw him, i didn’t know what to expect. i certainly didn’t expect that he’d be all over me, hugging, holding, joking, complaining that i hadn’t talked to him for a whole year, asking me to come back to town and live there so we could spend time together. he recalled the entirety of the one message i sent him. he even asked if i still found him attractive, in a worried tone. i was surprised.

    i was having trouble finding work, so i figured i might as well look for a job in that town. i even considered working where the guy in question worked, since the owner and i were friends. had i gotten a job there, we couldn’t have hooked up. policies. i told him i’d look elsewhere for that very reason. he responded well to that and our flirtations grew more intense. it all boiled over and we hooked up again. he was sweet and snuggly and hand-holdy in bed. it was nice.

    about a week later, i landed a job independent of his, got a place, let him know. didn’t hear back. the next time i saw him in person, it was a complete shift. he was cool, detached, didn’t want to joke or even hug. i thought maybe he was just having an off day, so i ignored it. but then the last time i saw him, it was cool disinterest all over again. he wanted to high five me goodbye, whereas we’d always hugged before. for years.

    i can guess that his behavior is half bullshit, half changing tides, but i don’t understand it. not two weeks ago, he was pleading with me to move back and spend time with him, and now that i’m here, he wants none of it. needless to say, my heart’s feeling a little battered.

    i just don’t understand.

    VictorM:

    His reaction is very predictable and quite common based on the developments you described. Often, a girl who is fun to flirt and tease, particularly if she responds in kind, is not necessarily a girl worth getting serious with.

    While you were all fun and games, he responded in kind. Once you got a job and moved close to him, you now become a risk that you might want more. He’s not interested in going that far or even finding out if that’s where it would lead — he’s nipping that possibility in the butt right away.

    You misread him; fun and games only go so far and you responding likewise placed you in the category of “fun and games” only. No matter how exciting games are at first, eventually you outgrow them. He’s outgrown you.

  • I am very confused

    Does he like me? 20.01.2012 No Comments

    Cassie, 21, in Australia:

    Hi Victor,

    I want to start this by saying that I don’t have a huge amount of experience when it comes to men and dating. For a long time I had some pretty bad self esteem issues that kept me from allowing people to get close to me, and now that I have over come these fears- I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark when it comes to men and dating.

    I met this guy online about a year ago now. It was very much an unexpected meeting. Even though I was on a dating site, it was more out of the want to talk to people than to actually date. That probably does not make much sense. But I did happen to meet someone. He was kind, easy to talk to and we had a lot of common. So about 4 weeks after we started talking to each we decided to meet. Things went well for a couple of weeks, but felt as if they were moving way to fast. I found myself getting nervous but I was trying the whole “go with the flow” and trying to take a leap of faith- which I learned now was a very stupid thing for me to have done. All I can say is that it ended badly. He became distant, and I felt like it was all of my fault. It was after he became distant that I realised how much I did like him, and that I had fallen into the trap of forming an attachment to him. Which is something that doesn’t happen to me a lot, because in the past it was always me shying away from relationships or the possibility of them.

    After that I did something I think a lot of woman do, which was falling into the “I will get him back” phases. Another stupid move on my behalf because things just got worse. I did silly things by trying to impress him, keeping in contact, asking to see him. We still saw each other sometimes, I was convinced that he liked me too.

    Around August/September I finally started coming to terms with the fact that the dating fell apart because maybe he just lost interest. In a move that was either incredibly stupid or brave (maybe the first, I’m not sure) I took a risk and finally told him how I felt about him. I was, and still am, find myself very much attracted to when I don’t want to be that way at all. To sum up what I had to say, it was mostly to say that I needed to move on from what happened and that someday we might be able to be friends.

    He is a sensitive guy, so I tried to be as nice as possible without hurting him. I’m not the kind of girl who can just say “I don’t want to see you again.” In my mind I was giving him the opportunity to leave things as they were in the past, and he wouldn’t have to feel obliged to contact me or try to be my friend.

    I wasn’t going to contact him after that. I was done. I needed time to get over my feelings for him.

    Two week later he contact me. I replied, just trying to be nice. If he genuinely wanted to be friends, then I was going to treat him like a friend. He started this whole thing of not replying until a week or two afterwards (most of our contact was done via email/online by this point.) I’m not going to lie, I found it extremely frustrating because I was treating him the way I treat my own friends, there was no special treatment for him anymore.

    This went on again for quite a while, and eventually he asked to meet up for coffee. I agreed, because after all we were just friends. But every time we made plans, they fell through. I was busy a couple of times, and other times he had excuses. I was at the point of saying “no more” when we finally did catch up for coffee. And it was really nice. I walked away from it feeling that we would have a chance to be friends. And I could move past the attraction.

    He sent me a message later that afternoon to say it was good to catch up. I kept to my own promise of not contacting him first, because that only caused me pain and grief earlier on when I first met him. A couple of days later he contact me wanting to catch up again, but he was going away for family reasons and asked if we could catch up when he got back. I replied, but I didn’t receive an answer. He then sent me another message while he was away (which i found out of the ordinary) asking again. So we set a day to catch up.

    When he got back, the day came and it fell through. So he made another day, this time it actually happened. But this is where things became confusing for me.

    We met in the evening this time, and he picked me up and said we would go down to the beach. He made a comment that he was hoping we could have seen the sunset, which I was perplexed by. But I went along with it, I am by nature a very easy going, mellow kind of person. We got some food to eat, I was going to pay my half (because that’s what I do when I’m with friends) but he insisted on paying. And then he just ‘happened’ to have a bottle of wine in his car which we ended up drinking. We talked a lot that evening and I found myself falling back into the trap of falling for his charms and my own attraction/feelings for him. When we said goodbye, it was strange. He stood close to me, lingered when he hugged me and ended up hugging/touching me quite a few times. And asked to see me again soon, on the weekend.

    No surprise, the weekend fell through. And I haven’t had much of a chance to see him since because of Christmas/New Year and he was going away for 7-8 weeks overseas. He still contacted me though, we spoke every couple of days. (I have to admit here that I do purposely not reply to him straight away…) The last time I spoke to him he said he would catch up with me when he got back, and would contact me when he was away. He has kept in contact.

    I guess I am writing because I am very confused. I don’t know what to make out of all of this. I want to move on from this, but apart of me is still very much attracted to him. I don’t know how he feels, and I’m too afraid to ask because I thought we were just friends. But then he goes and does stuff, or says really sweet stuff, compliments me, touches me.

    It’s all very confusing for me. I was hoping that maybe you could help me, or shed some kind of light on this for me. Because I can’t make any sense of it. And I know that what you say may probably be the harsh truth, but I’m at a point where I don’t want to feel confused over him anymore. I do genuinely want to be his friend over anything else. I do know I need to get past the attraction, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

    VictorM:

    With stories like yours, “I’m confused” is really a euphemism for “I don’t want to accept the truth.” And the truth is that he’s not into you.

    You’re fun, up to a point. You’re worth spending time with, up to a point. You’re worth making plans to see again, but not worthy enough to actually follow through with those plans many times.

    Guys can have a nice time with an attractive woman without the slights interest of anything further with her. The compliments, the touching, etc. these are all “in the now” behaviors that guys can easily get into because it gives them immediate rewards. Let me make it clear: he does those things because it gives him pleasure, not because he’s trying to send you a message.

    He’s not into you.

  • He was going through a divorce

    Jealousy 20.01.2012 No Comments

    Amanda, 28, in Aus:

    Hey Victor,
    Happy New Year :) hope this year is going to be a cracker for you.

    I’ve been struggling with guy’s behaviour for over a year and just need either closure or some form of explanation.

    History
    Him and I met on a dating site (bet you hear that one all the time). We met eventually and had great chemistry, although there was one thing that I was bothered about – He was going through a divorce. I knew right then to cut the rope because he was just wanting attention. So I did with just a view toward friendship (albeit I was disappointed because he’s smart, goodlooking and charming) – but he still pursued pretty hard.

    I went into business with a friend but found out my office was just across the road from where his was and so I invited him over to coffee a couple of times so we could chill, have a laugh and just wind down from work. Things got a little weird – I have a lot of guy friends, they came over to congratulate me on my business which he wasn’t happy about and told me so a couple of times. Then started displaying jealous behaviour -mentioning guys that would appear in photos next to me on facebook, or my friends that would meet me for dinner, telling me he was going on dates with other girls after meeting me for coffee. We then went silent on each other as it all got a bit too much.

    At this point I found myself being attracted to him even though I knew he wasn’t ready..so texted him a couple of times to meet up to try and mend things and quite possibly deluded myself into thinking that he was ready. He stood me up a couple of times and I deleted him off my facebook. In the end, he bought a world trip ticket around the globe travelling for a year. He invited me to a couple of events for his farewell but at this point I thought he was a tool so declined.

    Victor- I’d totally forgotten about him and now he’s back. It’s been a year of no contact, he called before xmas to tell me he was back, wish me a merry xmas and that we should meet for coffee. One half of me wants to go to see if he’s changed. Another wants to put him in the crap pile and call him out for being such a prick. I’m stuck- I don’t know why he would try and resume something that broke a year ago. All advise greatly appreciated xo

    VictorM:

    I’m surprised your question is not about what it really should be: his jealousy. Men like him, who question you about any men you meet or talk to, are hellish people to live with. They really make your life impossible because no matter what accommodations you make to satisfy them, it’s never enough. If eventually you lock yourself from the outside world in a dark room with no windows, he’d still accuse you of thinking of other men! Jealous guys like what you describe are like the terminator — they never stop! And a trip around the world doesn’t help change that.

    Let him be someone else’s nightmare and next ex. Stay clear of this guy.

  • “tracking him down like a dog”

    Aggression, Behavior 20.01.2012 1 Comment

    Jayn, 49, in Ohio:

    I met a guy online a few months ago with a guy who lives about 3 1/2 hours from me, and we have developed a long-distance relationship. We’ve met several times, get along great, and even discussed taking a vacation together this spring. He is in constant pain from an accident that happened many years ago, and is disabled but able to get around with the aid of a cane. He was working a lot this past week on some chores that involved physical labor, and told me that he had taken 4 prescription painkillers (instead of 1)and that he would call me again that evening. He didn’t, and after nearly three days of waiting with no response to my calls or texts, I decided to call his roommate to see if he was OK. It turned out he was OK but in a lot of pain, and he blew up at me! He is furious that I didn’t “give him a chance to call back”, and that I “would not let him rest even though I knew he was in a lot of pain” and that I was “tracking him down like a dog”. I was stunned and hurt, and tried to explain why I had done what I did – because I was concerned. He said he would call me the next day. He called and left a brief, but still VERY angry voice mail, and told me to never do that to him again and that he is p*ssed at me. Normally he was very sweet and loving when we talked – he even told me that I was one in a million and he’d be stupid to let me go. Did I do the wrong thing by calling? Did I totally ruin this relationship, or should I just let this one go?

    VictorM:

    As a guy, when I read stories like yours, my first reaction is to think: “What an asshole that guy is. Fuck him if he’s going to act like that.” Yet, as I see over and over, it seems a common practice by females to turn things around and blame themselves for someone else’s dickish behavior. That’s such a pity — it’s a behavior that far too often leads to unhappy relationships.

    No, you did nothing wrong by calling. No, you didn’t totally ruin the relationship. But for your sake, I hope the relationship is ruined because, again, in very typical female fashion, you’re holding on to the early behavior of a man and his words instead of the actual deeds of such man that actual show him to be an unreliable mate. You don’t judge a person as a potential mate by how nice he is when he’s at his best; you judge him by how he treats you at his worst. And this guy has failed miserably.

  • Is this age difference normal?

    Age Difference 20.01.2012 No Comments

    Ash:

    My little sister is talking to a guy who is 11 years older than her. She is 20 turning 21 soon and he is 30. The guy doesnt currently have a job and still lives at home. I’m scared for her. Is this age difference normal?

    VictorM:

    The age difference is not that unusual at all and she’s already an adult. Let her live her life. People often learn more from when things go wrong than from when things go right. If she stumbles, she gets wiser.

  • “you are worth it, I just don’t trust myself.”

    Does he like me? 20.01.2012 1 Comment

    Danie:

    My friend always asks you questions and said to ask you this…

    What does it mean when a guy tells me, “you are worth it, I just don’t trust myself.”

    Thank you!

    VictorM:

    It means he doesn’t think you’re worth it. At least not yet.

    You’re welcome.

  • I’m starting to really develop some feelings for him

    Casual Dating, Commitment, Online dating 19.01.2012 4 Comments

    Em, 27, in New York:

    Hi Victor,

    I met a 31 yr old guy on a dating website 2 and a half months ago and I’m really starting to like him. We see one another approx 2-3 times per week for a few weeks now. We’ve had sex and have slept over at both our places and we have a really great time together. I am a single mom and I let him meet with my child a few times.

    This being said, I’m starting to really develop some feelings for him… Thinking about him and missing him when he’s not around and I’m kind of wanting to make things official. By the way he acts when we are together I would think he feels the same way. However, my friend is on the same dating website and saw that his profile is still up and he was on it yesterday.

    I guess my question is, is it too early to ask about being exclusive? Honestly, a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have cared that he was potentially seeing other women but with the amount of time we’ve spent together lately and the way my feelings are grown for him, I feel a little hurt even though technically we are not anything.

    I’m not sure if I should wait a little longer and see if he initiates or if I should bite the bullet and be the one to bring it up… Let me know what you think! Thanks :)

    VictorM:

    I think you should wait longer and here’s why:

    – You started having sex with him before agreeing on being exclusive. That means that from the get go you’ve lowered expectations of what’s permissible during your casual dating phase and removed any leverage in terms of his need to enter into a relationship. You may have even caused him to have less respect for you (I know, I know, it’s a double standard, but it is what it is: guys don’t see girls who have sex too soon in a positive light; they’re fine as fun companions but as serious long term partners? Um… at a minimum introduces some doubt). As I often say: if you start doing girlfriend-like things with a guy who isn’t your boyfriend, you’ll get screwed.

    – You don’t set the time table for what or how other humans should behave. Just because you’ve started to develop feelings and expect certain things from him 2.5 months into casual dating doesn’t make that time frame a magical number for him too. Men have their own time table for jumping from casual dating to exclusivity, and that is usually tied to either of two things: 1) their own  feeling for the woman (with males generally taking a lot longer to develop feelings than women); or 2) the “rules” of what is permissible during the casual dating phase, which as the point above shows, you blew by having sex with him too soon.

    – Men, unlike women, don’t generally like to put all their eggs in one basket, so to speak. Chances are that you’re only one of several women he’s either casually dating or contemplating in dating. Men are wired for quantity and it’s important for males to date as many women as possible before settling on one as it’s important for women to date one guy and nail him down. Men and women have very different points of reference when it comes to when and why relationship should begin.

    – Generally, when guys pay for a service like match.com or eHarmony, they like to get their money’s worth. So whether he’s actually looking to date more women or not, it’s not unusual (for the reason explained in the point above) for guys to keep checking out who else is out there.

    – If women want to nail a guy down as soon as possible and guys want to delay that as much as they can, why am I saying you shouldn’t bring up the exclusivity issue yet? Because I believe that in terms of relationships you should move at the pace of the slowest one. That is, women should give more time for the men to develop feelings and enter the relationship when they are ready, not when they feel forced to do it, just as men, for example, should take their time and allow the woman to dictate when she’s ready to have sex (well, you were a quick one on that, but in general, women take longer to reach that point).

    You do have one problem now: because you have behaved like a girlfriend before he’s your boyfriend, you run the risk that he’ll be in no hurry to want a relationship. Why should he? He’s getting from you all a guy wants in a woman without the responsibilities and obligations of a relationship. He’ll be in no rush to tie himself down. You may be thinking: “if he loves or even just likes me, wouldn’t he want to be in a relationship with me?” Not necessarily. Women see a relationship as security but guys see it as loss of freedom. Guys don’t have the same needs as women do to feel safe and secure about a relationship. Women’s basic biology pushes for an early relationship while men’s pushes to delay it. And this is why having sex with guys too early (before you are boyfriend and girlfriend) takes away your leverage.

    You are now in a pickle: don’t bring up exclusivity and risking that he won’t do it for a long time if ever at all, or bring it up and risk him choosing to date other women simply because he has not had enough time to develop a stronger bond with you.

    The reason I say don’t bring it up yet is that 2.5 months is not enough time for a guy to feel strongly about you yet. Whatever roots he has established aren’t deep enough. Guys don’t do the “I’m missing her” and we don’t feel “hurt” etc. etc. in such a short period of time.

    Bite your lip about exclusivity for now, get over your hurt feelings (he’s just behaving like a typical guy, he’s not backstabbing you), make his life pleasant with you, give it a couple more months and see how it goes. But let me caution you: having sex with him this soon and even now will only delay his desire to accept exclusivity.

  • He lives about 7 hours away

    Casual Dating, LDR, Online dating 19.01.2012 No Comments

    Jenni, 36, in Wyoming:

    I met a guy off of eharmony. He lives about 7 hours away. We spent a couple of weeks talking and texting before we met and we really hit it off. I spent a weekend with him about 2 weeks ago. We had fun, had sex, and I saw many things in him that I would love to have in my life. BUT I really haven’t heard much from him since. He tells me he had fun and wants to continue to get to know me, but that he needs to figure some stuff out about himself right now. He is guarded and doesn’t want to hurt me. I hadn’t heard from him for a week so I texted him today, just said “hey I was thinking of you, thought I would say hi.” He responded right away saying Hi! Wow, I haven’t chatted with you in a while, sorry! I’ve been so busy with this and that…how have you been? We chatted for a bit but I cut it short. My gut is telling me this guy isn’t interested in me…..I mean you tell someone you like them and want to get to know them better, but then don’t call or text for a week….You are SO busy you can’t even text just to say hi??? Should I continue to initiate contact with him, or should I move on? I’m confused.

    VictorM:

    Don’t bother. He’s done with you. And he’s being very clear with you about in, only he’s doing it in man-language, which is a way of saying it without being blunt about it. But believe me — he’s done with you!

    Next time, date guys who live close to you. Men don’t do long distance well except for getting some short time fun without having to face you that often. Long distance is not a very promising setup for long term success.

  • I only wanted my key back

    Behavior, Break-up 19.01.2012 No Comments

    Abby, 40, in US:

    I broke up with my BF who had been my friend for years and my BF for the last 3, because after years of total disclosure, he started lying to me.  He began blaming everyone for everything, getting stressed by everything and just got nasty. He gave me every indication he wanted me out of his life but wouldn’t see me, take my calls, or txt so we could end things. So one day I took all of his things from my house dumped them in his living room & put his key under the mat. Then he didn’t have to deal with a confrontation.  I wrote him a note, told him I wished him much happiness. I only wanted my key back, so I gave him an easy out of putting it in my friend’s mailbox which is on the way when he sees his kids. The thing is, its been a month, as expected I haven’t heard from him, but he never returned my key. I don’t get it.

    VictorM:

    Why would he behave as you’d expect when it came to returning a key and when didn’t behave as you’d expect in many other ways? After what you told me about his behavior, it would seem to me that him not returning your key is pretty much in line with much of how he’s been behaving towards you — like a dick. From his point of view, the fact that all you wanted was your key back is enough reason for him not to give you the key back. Why? Because it’s the dick thing to do, which is consistent with his “dickness” towards you.

  • he really, really wants to do ‘it’

    Behavior 18.01.2012 No Comments

    Sara, 23:

    Hi guys!  First of all I’m 23 and my guy is 22, let’s call him Alex.  We met about 4-5 months ago, we have kissed, held hands, cuddle-up, etc (no sex yet, though he really wants to do it)…I like him but his actions are somehow confusing.

    Alex is usually nicer and more attentive over texts and/or fb messages.  He texts me at least once per day (random stuff and at random times) and that’s the only time when we have conversations about our relationship…

    I already said that he really, really wants to do ‘it’, but I’m not ready.  I had a horrible experience with my last boyfriend and I haven’t dated or tried to be in a relationship with anyone since then (more than 4 years now)… however, Alex  said that he is willing to wait until the time comes (which I find is really sweet of him!) <– he doesn’t know and never asked for the details of what happened between me and my last boyfriend either.

    The problem I face sometimes is that when we are together he is usually the one talking and it is almost all the time about him…I barely say anything and when I do I don’t feel like he is actually that interested…he would interrupt and say something completely out of topic, he would rarely ask about my life, etc  Like I’m learning a lot about him, which is cool ‘cause I have a better idea of the things he is into and I’m even trying to learn more about it (trying to build up a connection in hopes that we can have funnier conversations)

    On occasion he would mention his previous girlfriends, talk about his really beautiful friends and/or the kind of women he finds attractive…at really random times (which doesn’t bother me as much (as in I don’t get angry, but it does worry me a bit)…and the other thing is…I don’t really know what are we…I would like to call us a couple, but so far he hasn’t introduced me as ‘his girlfriend’ and I have met his father (which he did not introduce to me, but we talked anyways)…During the first time we tried to be more intimate I did ask him if he was serious (he said yes, no pauses, no signs of frustration, just a calm attitude) and also why he liked me…in which he later replied that it was because I was his friend and also a pretty gal.

    Do I have any reason to worry? or am I just being needy/jealous/ partially paranoid due to my past experiences? <- I know my own fears might be part of the problem, but I do like him and overall when we are together (even if we are just watching a movie) I am quite happy, but I want us to be closer in a more emotional/mental way as well as the physical.

    Thank you very much for the help and I apologize in advance for the trouble.

    Sara.

    VictorM:

    Yes, you do have plenty to worry about if your intention is to have a good partner who loves you, treats you with respect,  and his supportive. Don’t ignore the serious signs in favor of the fluffy stuff.

    Now, in his defense, it’s possible that he talks about himself because he’s still trying to impress you. This is a possibility, but from my point of view, not likely. After 4 or 5 months, what’s more likely is that you’re dating a guy who is pleasant in some ways, but a narcissist who is likely to be of little comfort to you when you most need it.

    I hear from girls all too often this refrain that a guy is fun to be with, shares common interests, makes them laugh, etc. and of course those things are important, but not if you overlook the traits that are most likely to make him a lousy partner. The qualities for a good companion are not the same qualities that make a good partner. Many people can be good companions, especially in small dosages, but it takes a lot more to be good partners.

    Pay close attention to the traits you have pointed out as worrisome. You’re not being needy or jealous; you’re being smart.

  • I felt like he lost interest

    Behavior, Online dating 17.01.2012 No Comments

    María, 27, in Madrid:

    Hi Victor, my story:

    I met a guy on an onlline website, after a week of talking we decided to meet. The date was ok, this guy is clearly more direct than me, he wanted to hold me and hug me, I felt weird cos after just meeting him once I didnt even know if I like him or not! Anyway, we met a second time, and again we were always discussing about him leaving me a bit of space, and a bit of time till I get to know him better. He said ok, but somehow I felt pressure and I kind of offended him, he suggested that if I didnt feel at ease with him, he shouldnt meet that often, that it would be better to chat for a while. Me, I think that the only way to know someone is to actually meet him and spend time together. Since these conversations everything cooled a bit, it was me the one who was after him, proposing different plans, he always said yes, if he wasnt busy, but I felt like he lost interest, I even wanted the hugging guy back :( We met last time a week ago, we had a good time, but at the end we didnt kiss nor anything ( and now I wanted to). After that I texted him thanking him for the night (he drove me home) but he didnt answer. Next day he was flying to another country to take a quite intensive course for his career, he will be abroad around one or 2 months. I have emailed him and texted him once, but i have got no answer. Could it be that he get tired of me? I mean, after trying to conquer me he has got no success and he has changed his mind? should I call him? I really dont know what to do, I dont want to seem clingy but I would like to have some kind of contact now that I like him!!! and if he doesnt pay me attention now, should I be available for when he is back?

    VictorM:

    You should stop contacting him. If he lost interest in you, your texts only became annoying; if he didn’t lose interest yet they just make you less appealing.

    You weren’t comfortable with his approach initially and let him know. There’s nothing wrong with that. His early touchy-feely behavior is more often than not a negative sign. If a guy can’t recognize that a woman is not just a body to be played with, chances are that he’s not going to be a very good partner.

  • He seemed to be everything I am looking for

    Loss of interest, Online dating 17.01.2012 2 Comments

    Shona, 32, in Wales:

    I met a guy online who seemed to be everything I am looking for. After a few weeks of contact we arranged to meet and had what he said was an amazing night, he even joked about us rushing off to get married as we got on so well although there was something about my past he was definately uncomfortable with. Still, I went to sleep that night after him saying things like ‘I’m thinking about you’ ‘I was completely blown away tonight’ etc. The next day his mind had changed, he said he wasnt ready although he had feelings for me he was going off the market and promptly disappeared. I did the wrong thing and contacted him several times at various levels of intoxication. I know he is now dating with the banner ‘actively seeking relationship’- What is that all about? Everything he said was an act?

    VictorM:

    No, it wasn’t an act. Odds are that everything he told you was  how he felt at that moment. Genetics and the need for the continuation of the species wired us males to feel overwhelmed initially with a female we find attractive. In other words, what was making him feel that way about you was lust. But the chemicals released by our brain that provokes that behavior subsides and usually with it, that strong enthusiasm. So, in this case, he’s moved on to feel another rush of lustful emotions with some other woman.

    Let this be a lesson for the next time a guy flips head over heels for you right away. It just means he’s being drugged by his own brain. You won’t know how he really feels about you for many days, even weeks.

  • The day of the date he texted me to say he had to cancel

    Does he like me?, Online dating 17.01.2012 No Comments

    Jayne, 30, in Manchester:

    I met this guy online recently, we texted each other for a week or so, then met at a local pub, as he lives very close to me, he walked me home, and came in for a coffee, kissed me goodnight then left, he made contact all the time after that lots of texts and we arranged tone  go out again a week later.

    he has children so we have to work around the nights he has them. The day of the date he texted me to say he had to cancel as he had the children, I said ok no problem we could go out again when he’s free. since then his contact has been very erratic, also asking me if he likes me, as he really likes me, I haven’t said I do I’ve just evaded the question but been polite. he’s also saying strange things like he’s fed up that he doesn’t get much time to himself and he feels empty.

    since the weekend I’ve hardly heard from him, after his last “I really like you text,” I backed off and didn’t reply, mainly as it was late so I thought I would hear the next day, then nothing. I haven’t heard anything since. why does a guy protest he likes you but cancels a date, doesn’t make any attempt to meet me even though he is close by, then gives me the silent treatment after what was initially loads of texts. shall I forget about it?

    VictorM:

    After the initial phase of texting you, meeting you, and contemplating further dates, he lost interest in you. I don’t know why, but it’s fair to assume that you weren’t the only woman he was meeting. Guys approach the online experience differently than most women. Guys are more prone to get their money’s worth by dating as many women as possible.

    Yeah, forget about it. Move on to the next guy.

  • i always had trust issues and gave him a hard time

    Break-up, My Trust Issues 17.01.2012 No Comments

    Ericka, 19, in us:

    so me and my ex-boyfriend/father of my child recently broke up , we had a huge fight which was over something stupid. i’m trying to get him back but he doesn’t want to be with me now because i always had trust issues and gave him a hard time but im trying to work on that and i feel as if i can overcome it. well he tells me he just needs time to himself and to get his self back on track. i asked him if we would ever be together again and he says not right now because i wanna focus on me but there will always be a us, he says you just hurt me too much, that i need time to figure things out. can yuu plz help me out on what that means? will he want to be with me again or is he just done ?

    VictorM:

    Break-ups like this, after a big fight over something small, usually aren’t the end of the relationship. Chances are that he’ll be back. My guess is that he’s as addicted to the drama as you are. But there’s only so many times you can give a guy crap over trust issues before he realizes he’s better off without you.

    I don’t buy that you can overcome your trust issues. I don’t doubt your desire to want to get over those issues, but generally, people can’t do it without much professional help. Chances are that you’ll be fine for a few days or weeks, but your mistrusting nature will prevail and you’ll give him hell for “something stupid” again.

    When you say you’re working on the issue, what do you mean? How are you working on it? And why do you mistrust him in the first place?

  • two years since my live-in boyfriend has had a job

    Money 17.01.2012 1 Comment

    Jenni, 31, in MI:

    I don’t know what to do. It has been over two years since my live-in boyfriend has had a job. I am feeling very resentful towards him right now. We have a 3 year old daughter together, have been together for 4 years. I’m frusterated (and angry) because not only am I supporting myself and our daughter, but him as well. While he does do other things to help, ie. cook and cleans, he isn’t motivated to get a job. I’m disabled and the only income we have is SSDI which barely keeps a roof over our head. Things have gotten so bad that we recently had to move in with my mother…all he does now is complain. He has made it know that he is not happy living at my mothers house, but won’t leave because “he has nowhere else to go”… I haven’t wanted to give up on this relationship because he is my daughter’s father, but i don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve tried to be supportive and let him know that I wasn’t going to just walk away (two years ago) when he lost his job… but I’m at my wits end here. I have our daughter to think about as well. SHE is the one who is not able to support herself, he is or would if he would work. Is this a situation I should walk away from and if so how do I do that when he’s living with my mother…Do I need to evict him or does she? I’m so confused.

    VictorM:

    I don’t know enough about your life and your relationship with this guy to be able to offer advice about whether to leave him or not. The one piece of advice I can offer is this: if you’re doing something and not getting the results you hoped for, stop doing it and do something different.

    You have been supportive and assured him you wouldn’t just walk away. Well, that strategy has not worked. Time for a new approach. Maybe put him on a leash about money? Maybe giving him an allowance? I don’t know what else to suggest because I know nothing about his skills and what obstacles he faces about work. You could try any of many different approaches without being mean or crushing his ego.

    You may also want to give more value to what he does around the house, especially if he’s a good father and performs helpful chores. This may not encourage him to find work but may give you a different perspective about his value to you and your daughter.

  • he’s seeing another girl from his fb

    Does he like me?, Womanizer 15.01.2012 No Comments

    Cindy, 24, in Malaysia:

    I do not know what I should do? This guy and I used to date seriously for around 3 months until he found out the girl from his last relationship was actually pregnant; so we stopped seeing each other. We still kept contact though and eventually the baby got miscarraiged 2 months later… He always keeps on saying that he still really likes me, but it’s rather obvious he’s seeing another girl from his fb which he tells me is only a friend and the girl is just sweet.

    I have stopped communicating with him for a week and we haven’t spoken to each other..but i’m still confused about his intentions because he keeps saying he still likes me the most and what not. i am trying to forget about him but its quite hard when he’s sending mixed signals… Sometimes i just think that he doesnt want to be in a commited relationship yet because of what happened to him? But why would he be going for someone else and he’s not hiding it either? :(

    VictorM:

    There are no mixed signals. All he’s doing is what many guys do: they want quantity over quality. What he’s doing by pursuing you while chasing or being with someone else is simply a symptom of sexual gluttony on his part, not a sign of having special feelings for you.  He’ll say whatever it takes to add you to his list of girls he’s seduced.

  • they are behaving weirdly

    Break-up, Coworkers, Immaturity 15.01.2012 No Comments

    d, 25, in canada:

    Hey Victor

    Sorry to send you 2 questions in as many days but something weird happened. My ex who I very recently dumped, a close friend of his, and I all work at the same place. His friend has always been a little teasy and flirty with me but not in a serious way. But now that my ex and I are broken up they are behaving weirdly. They were both laughing and joking and rowdy all day which was not unexpected – of course he’s not going to act upset- but the weird thing was when my ex’s friend went out of his way to come to my desk and make Flirty banter with me. Then my ex came up laughing, made some kind of comment along the lines of ‘are you going out now’ laughed with his friend and left. His friend followed him after asking me if I would be at work the next day and making a point of saying that he would see me there. I know this sounds really innocuous and I’m probably overanalyzing, but it just felt really weird, almost like I’m the butt of a joke that I don’t understand. I actually feel like that a lot around him/them, which is part of the reason I ended the relationship. Any words of wisdom? Or am I just being dumb and oversensitive? I know this sound weird because they didn’t do or say anything untoward, yet it made me so uncomfortable.

    VictorM:

    Your ex is doing the “you didn’t hurt me” bit by laughing and discounting all that happened as a big joke. It all fits the reason why you dumped him, doesn’t it?

    They sound like two immature twits. Nothing more, nothing less.

  • he needed time to recover from the break-up

    Does he like me?, My Male Friend 15.01.2012 No Comments

    Val, 29, in CA:

    I met this guy about six month ago at a party at my friend’s place. He was newly divorced at that time. Initially he was showing some interest in me. Whenever we went out with friends he was most of the time talking to me. People already wondered if we were together. Also he kind of asked me out a few times. None of us has ever called it a date though. I had a crush on him but at that time was not showing too much interest in being more than friends. In retrospect I don’t even know why. I guess I just wanted to gain some time to get to know him better. Maybe I thought he was only looking for a rebound. When talking he once even said that he needed time to recover from the break-up, was not yet open for something new and wanted to concentrate on his career. Also he seemed to be somewhat out of my league. He is really good-looking. Many other women are showing interest in him. But so far he rebuffed them all.

    We soon became good friends. We share many interests and I would say we both enjoy the time we spend with each other. The point is that the better I get to know him, the more I would like to go beyond the ‘just friends status’. However, I think he is no longer interested in me: The frequency at which we meet has decreased. Now most of the time we meet it is together with other friends. Sometimes it is still just the two of us, but this is usually ‘by accident’, like when everyone else is busy or cancels last minute. I even think he avoids meeting me alone. Yet, he seems to enjoy it when it happens. He hardly ever invites me to any activity and if he does, it is always with other friends. Earlier he would almost certainly join any activity I suggested. Now it is more like a 50% chance. He is doing lots of overtime at the moment so it could as well be the truth when he says he is too busy. He used to call me if he had something interesting to share or was upset about something. This stopped completely. Also the amount of texting has decreased. Recently I started to give him some hints about my feelings. Not sure if he got it. If there was any reaction at all, it is that he is keeping me even more at distance.

    So, it seems that he lost interest in me. But I am unable to figure out what exactly happened. Did he only become friends with me because he was hoping for more? Is he withdrawing to get over his crush on me? Or because he found out I crush on him? Why is there no other woman he seems to be interested in? Why was he embarrassed when I got to know he started online dating? Why did he delete his profile a couple of days later? Do I misinterpret the whole situation? Maybe I never was that special for him plus he knows exactly what’s going on and is playing with me? Any suggestions on how to find out what’s going on?

    One last thing: It is no option to wait and see how things develop. I will move to another country for professional reasons in about six month. (He knows about that since we first met.)

    Thanks a lot for your help!!

    VictorM:

    All I can say with certainty is this: he didn’t start seeing you purely for friendship. Men have no need for female friendships. They do it because it’s a way to get to know a female they are interested in without the obligations and responsibilities that come with being in a relationship.

    Having spent the time to get to know you better, he cooled off, without feeling the need to cut you off totally. Why? I don’t know. I was ready to give you an answer — that he lost romantic interest in you — but your last bit of information about you moving to another country and him knowing about it from the beginning, threw me a curve ball. Maybe it is because he knows it would go nowhere (guys really generally don’t like the idea of a long distance relationship). But then again, if he knew you were leaving, why spend time with you? I’m inclined to believe he simply cooled off about you after he got to spend more time with you.

  • We have no title

    Appearance 15.01.2012 No Comments

    Sarah, 27, in TN:

    Hi Victor,

    I’ve been friends with this guy for years and it is finally evolving into a more romantic relationship. We have no title and I want to move slow since he’s still heart broken from his last relationship. After a year or so of “talking” he finally blurted out that he like me. He’s the one I’ve been waiting for for years now and I don’t want to loose him.

    My question: he has gained alot of weight in the past few years. I try to reassure him I don’t mind, but I can still tell he’s overly self-conscious about it. I’m completely attracted to him and tell him that often. He calls me beautiful, drop dead gorgeous, f-ing hot… everything under the sun to imply he’s attracted to me too. How can I reassure him he looks fine and make him feel comfortable? What would be the best way to support him in this? He’s a brilliant man and I respect him in more ways than just his looks.

    VictorM: 

    You’re not the center of his universe. The notion that you could do or say something that would make him feel better about himself is a bit presumptuous. Unless you’re an hypnotist, that’s just not going to work anyway. I mean, if you ever wake up with what you feel is a bad hair day, will someone saying your hair looks good really make you feel better about it? Probably not.

    Will whatever you say going to make him feel better about himself? Probably not. That’s because dissatisfaction with his looks is something that he created himself and only he can fix it. Besides, there’s nothing good about putting on weight, so you really would be doing him no favors to discourage him from working on being fitter.

    So, what should you do? If you think he’s looks hot, or handsome, say it. Period. But don’t play therapist. If he complains about his weight the worst you can do is contradict him. Don’t minimize his complaint and don’t dismiss his feelings about it. You’re much more helpful if you ask him what he plans to do about it, if he wants help with dieting or exercising, what his ideal weight would be, etc… that is, engage him on the subject respecting his views. But leave it up to him to do something about his weight.

  • Is this relationship one I need to walk away from?

    Second Chances 15.01.2012 2 Comments

    Alice, 29, in Canada:

    Dear Victor,

    I’ve been reading your response to womens questions, and I appreciate your honestly. You’ve helped so many and I’m hoping you can with me now. In order to get an honest answer, I know I need to be honest in the question. I’m embarrassed that I haven’t been strong enough to answer it myself. I’m usually stronger than this but here we go.

    I’ve known my ex for about 9 years. We’ve dated on/off for this amount of time. We seem to always come back to each other. We’ve had a sexual relationship and not been dating though. He’s gone through a recent divorce (nothing to do with me) and I’ve been engaged (nothing to do with him). So, we haven’t been waiting around for each other is my point.

    He’s moved back to where I live and we’ve had sex a few times. He’s ok with a friends with benefits relationship and surprise, I am not. I really care for him and when we’re together, we blend. I don’t know how else to say it. He tells me I’m closer to him than most anyone. He’s recently stopped drinking (he had a severe drinking problem) and is doing wonderfully. He’s following the steps he needs to be and I’m not used to the person he’s become. He’s kinder to me and actually talks to me. He didn’t before. We have alot of small tiffs and recently had one over texts ( I cannot stand texting ref anything important) I still do have underlying anger towards him for the way he treated me for all these years and though I’m trying to get used to the new person he is, he does take steps backwards sometimes. He has never physically harmed me. I just need to get that out of the way now. I wouldn’t stand for that but he closes himself off to me which in a way is abuse I feel.

    We got into an argument over a text where I said I hated him. I was joking (kinda) and he got really hurt. My problem is this, my anger is abviously still fresh and I wanted to hurt him in a way. He hasn’t spoken to me in days. I haven’t tried to make amends because the text I got last in ref to our fight was fuck you. To stop fighting, I just turned my phone off and did my best to just leave it alone.

    My question is: Is this relationship one I need to walk away from? I usually know when to give up on someone. He has a long road ahead of him, and I think the fact that we’re having sex is getting in the way of everything. This isn’t normal and I’m hurting. I need your advice. What you say, I will do. I don’t want to wonder anymore.

    VictorM:

    I had my answer ready for you the moment I read this: “I’ve known my ex for about 9 years. We’ve dated on/off for this amount of time.” On and off is really off; you only have “on” times  because you’re lonely, horny, or can’t find someone better. You don’t go back together because there is love; you do it because there is dependence. You can’t sustain a relationship with this foundation, which is why the “off” part is a constant.

    It’s typical for men like him to replace one habit with another. To him, you’re a substitute for alcohol. Someone who’s not good for him but he can’t quit you. I don’t know what your story is but I’m guessing there’s something similar, a dependence that you just can’t move from.  You don’t go back together because if anything noble about your sentiments.

    Your anger is not just because you have a temper. And the anger is not even directed at him. You’re angry with yourself because you know that being with him is not what’s best for you but you don’t have the courage to break it off, so you take your frustrations out on him. But let’ face it, he’s not holding you, tying you down, or even lying to you. You keep going back of your will free will.

    Nothing good will come off of this relationship. Nothing! Not now, not ever. You’re just wasting your time and getting stuck in the quick sand of false expectations.

  • I’m different from what you are used to

    Behavior, Casual Dating 15.01.2012 4 Comments

    mich, 25, in africa:

    Hi Victor,

    I met this guy sometime last month. Since the 1st we have gone on two dates (it would have been 4 but i had to cancel). He has called me everyday and he has come to visit a few times. We haven’t had sex (we have kissed and he has tried to) but there’s been great chemistry plus he went as far as asking if he could see me more often suggesting i could stay over at his some of the time (i work late and travel a lot) adding that it’s not about sex but he wants to get to know me better plus i quote “I need you to know I’m different from what you are used to, give me a chance to show you.” Since the 10th he hasn’t called me which is unusual so i called him on the 12th (in the morning) he sounded excited and a bit surprised and told me he’d come around in the evening, told me he’d call me at noon, also tried to confirm my travel plans which i told him were canceled indefinitely. He never called and i haven’t seen him which is unusual- he is always prompt and proper. I would like to add that i discovered on our 2nd date that he is friends with my ex (who i was serious with) and they might have mutual friends. i planned to discuss it with him when he started asking we see more often and was visiting.

    Do you think this is the problem? what are your thoughts? I’m liking dude already and I’m confused.

    VictorM:

    I don’t know if you being his friend’s ex is a problem or not because I don’t even know if he knew that information when he started seeing you. So, if he only found out recently, maybe that’s a reason, but I’m going to say that no matter what, that is probably not the problem.

    I think a more likely reasons is that he’s just a dick. I say this because whenever a guy tells you he’s different from other guys, he usually isn’t — he’s just being manipulative to covert up that he is really a dick. That kind of narcissism is seldom a good sign. And you’re starting to find out that indeed, he may just be what such a statement about himself implies — that he’s full of shit.

  • he text me out of the blue again

    Behavior 14.01.2012 2 Comments

    zi, 31, in uk:

    hi Victor, me again thanks for the reply you gave me last time just wanted to ask you another question on the same guy behavior.

    After he said he could not get too involved with anyone and after your reply i accepted the facts and try to move on but now suddenly after a few weeks he text me out of the blue again asking me how my holidays were and how i am doing. I was pleased he got in touch again with me   thinking is nice of him to keep the contact but after i replied to him, asking just simple questions, how his business is doing as he just started smthing new i didnt get any reply back, and has been few days now.

    It shouldn’t but is really driving me mad now, is he doing it just to wind me up?or why the hell did he get in touch again if is not interested in replying back? I seriously don’t know what to think and behave anymore, i am quite straight forward and if things are clear i usually stay in touch with guys and be friend with them even if it doesnt work out but now i start thinking im doing it all wrong.

    VictorM:

    Sounds like he was exercising social manners by greeting you during the holidays, and nothing more. It doesn’t mean he has to have any further interest in you.  It’s possible that your “simple questions” led him to believe you wanted more contact than he was interested in.

  • his feeling sort-of stagnated

    Behavior, Does he like me? 14.01.2012 1 Comment

    Mienkie, 22, in: SA:

    Hi

    Me and my boyfriend has been going out 3 years. In the first 1.5 years he was quite attentive but then his feeling sort-of stagnated (not the problem), I believe just below love (Problem). He says he loves me, but I’m not even certain he knows what real love feels like. But I love him very deeply, and was willing to give him the benifit of the doubt. So the last few days (while his away) I tried a few things.

    First, I though that perhaps he was just expressing it in a way i can’t notice, so I looked up (Internet): ‘Way of expressing love’. But I didn’t see something he REALLY does!

    Secondly, I thought that perhaps what I feel is abnormal and what he feels is normal love, So I looked up ‘How to know your boyfriend loves you?’.I looked at 8 to 10 sites that listed a few ‘signs’ of love. Now I did all those things, he barely did 1 or 2.

    Thirdly, I looked at things on the topic ‘How to make him love me?’. But Some of the things I have tried only makes him annoyd/angry. The others I don’t know how to implement or understand.

    My problem is: ‘What to do now?
    Al the options i thought of has negative endings:
    1. Confront him
    2. Wait some more for him to love me
    3. Leave him
    4. Try and ignore it

    Please help!

    VictorM:

    You’re looking for the answer in all the wrong places. The answer does not lie in other websites or this one, and doesn’t lie with him either.

    The answer lies in you. Do you feel loved? If you do not, nothing else matters. You have your answer.  He could claim that he loves you till he’s blue in the face but it doesn’t matter if you don’t feel loved.

  • I met someone over this past summer

    Rejection, Second Chances, Silent Treatment 14.01.2012 No Comments

    Liza, 18, in Las Vegas, Nevada:

    I met someone over this past summer  (I’ll call him “a”), and we started off as just friends, we were together almost every single day! As time when on I kind of sensed that he might have thought of me as more than a friend, but I didn’t say anything. I was somewhat already talking to someone else (I’ll call him”b”), but it was nothing serious.

    Then one night “a” finally came out and told me how he basically had fallen in love with me. He knew I was talking to “b” but that didn’t matter to him. He was the sweetest guy I’d EVER met! He made me feel so wanted and loved! And deep inside I knew I had feelings for him too, but I was so caught up on “b” that I overlooked what I knew was a good thing (“a”).

    As the summer came to a end, me and “b” stopped talking all together, but me and “a” didn’t. He actually asked me to date him, but I was so stupid, and didn’t give him the chance. But even though I turned him down he knew how I felt about him, and we still talked every minute if every single day! Then I kind of find out he’s talking to another girl, so I ask him if he needs me to back off, his reply was “NO!? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?!” which made me think he still felt the same for me as before.

    And then all at once he stopped texting back, and totally started ignoring me, which made me think I’d done something wrong. Whenever we’d all chill together (with friends) he would give me the cold shoulder, and for sure acted different towards me. Like one minute I would catch him staring at me the way he used to, and I could see that look in his eyes that used to be there and it’d be like old times, even if for a second. And the next minute he would barely communicate with me. He was confusing me for sure! Like he was sending mixed signals, I just knew that things weren’t the same, and to this day I don’t understand why.

    But what I did know was that my feelings for him were still there, and really I HATED myself for not giving him a chance..he was always on my mind like literally, he was all I could think about. I knew I’d messed up a good thing! So for the first time I finally got up the courage to text him my true feelings, I figured if I did he would automatically give me another chance. But I was oh so wrong! He didn’t even give me a response, and I was so hurt..that was the first time I’d ever done that, and I just didn’t know how to handle rejection. Especially from someone that I Loved, and wanted more than ANYTHING! The tables has defiantly turned on me,and I’m just so confused. I just don’t even know what to think, or do? What is he thinking?!

    VictorM:

    The way you felt when you were rejected was the way he felt when you rejected him. But while girls get over being hurt that way by talking about it and even writing about it to a stranger on the internet, guys go about healing in a much different way — they seek to hurt the cause of their pain, which in this case is you. That explains the evolution to the cold shoulder treatment at parties and the non-response after your confession.

    You should let him know that his actions (indifference at parties, non-response to your text) hurt your feelings and you feel very sad about it. This admission by you will give him vindication, which will heal his ego, and that could open the doors for him to start talking to you again.

  • he hasn’t contacted me at all

    Casual Dating 14.01.2012 No Comments

    Carrie, 24, in uk:

    Hi!
    I have a question i am sure many women would love the answer to. I recently went on a first date with a guy i met in a supermarket. It went great we had such a laugh and even finished up with a kiss. He text me after it saying how great it was and we will go out again next week? i said yes and then goodnight. Since then he hasn’t contacted me at all. i tried to make some small talk with him but he isn’t responding the way he used to.  Does he just not like me? Should i stop trying to chat him? He is very confusing. It happens a lot after a first date and i was just wondering. What is the best things to say after a good date?

    Carrie

    VictorM:

    You should never contact a guy first after a date. Here’s why: during the casual dating phase chances are that the guy is contemplating several women at once. Even if he’s are not, believe me, he would like to. The moment you start showing interest in him, instead of that causing him to pay you more attention, the reverse happens — he pays you less. Why? Because if you show interest you fall into the “sure thing” category. You go on the shelf, the back-burner, while he pursues other possibilities knowing that you’re already “in the bag,” if he wants you.

    If you go out with a guy and you like him, by all means give him encouragement, but do not pursue him, do not contact him first. Make him work for your attention.

    So, this guy may like you and he may still contact you, but chances are that he’s going to explore other possibilities first.

  • Confidential to Chou in CA

    Confidential 13.01.2012 6 Comments

    What’s going on is that your current situation suits him just fine: he gets to spend time with you and enjoy your company but he gets none of the responsibilities that come with being in a committed relationship. Most guys would take this deal if given that option because guys don’t have the same itch that women do about being in a relationship.

  • How long should you wait before sleeping with a guy?

    Sex 13.01.2012 No Comments

    April, 29, in Seattle:

    Sleepless in Seattle

    Dear victor,

    I have one simple but compound question. How long should you wait before sleeping with a guy? I’ve heard both sides of the coin. I was told not to sleep with a guy at least for a month forcing him to get to know me and I was told to sleep with a man as soon as it felt comfortable. I have done both. I have slept with a man on the 2nd dates but it never last. I think men do like the thrill of the chase. I have tried to hold out case in point. Dated a great man, went out on 7 dates and I didn’t sleep with him although he tried very hard. He pulled away, i never knew why. I saw him out about 1 month after and asked him what happened. He said that a man’s feelings for you grow by intimacy that they need that to have feelings for you, and he didn’t get it, so he moved on. Is that a line of bullshit or is it true? Also I don’t know what to do at the end of a date when the man is all over me. If I kiss them goodnight and thank them for a lovely evening they seem almost pissed. Some actually say I need someone who will sleep with me and I think it’s only the 3rd date wtf? What’s going on here victor?

    VictorM:

    If you view the sex-related impatience of the men you date as a good filter to weed out men more interested in sex than getting to you know, you’d see holding out as plus. And I believe that’s exactly what it is.

    My view is bolstered by the example of the man you quoted. To him, sex is intimacy. That’s too bad because there are many other ways to be intimate. His impatience just exposes his limited understanding of what intimacy is all about. I’d say you dodged a bullet when he decided to move on.

    There is no time table but rather a sense that the guy is into you even if sex is not yet in the picture and that you’re ready to have sex with him.

  • flexing in the mirror

    Appearance, Behavior 13.01.2012 1 Comment

    MissGuided, 24, in MS:

    I hope you were blessed with food, family,and friends over your holidays. Also a thank you for the different questions you have answered for me in the different seasons in my life.

    I have been with this guy two half years. quick back ground things were REAL rough two kids involved and after some long talks things have gotten better. In a wierd way its like we are starting over because the beginning “honeymoon” phase never happened since I got prego early into the relationship and thats when we started fighting for two straight years. Sorry I digress… So now I guess we are kinda in a honeymoon phase but with out all the puppy love eyes. We are basically learning to be better friends.

    Two questions. I tend to be kind of closed off and a “little” cold/ distant bc I hate getting use to something and it stopping. When “C” gets snuggly I will try to “play hard to get” and he will progress as if we are dating and a guy pursues a girl. When I finally warm up and start to snuggle with him C backs off. This HIGHLY annoys me I don’t want to play games in order to get attention. Why does he back off when I give in and snuggle him. Almost every morning it never fails I hear this phrase ” You can come snuggle me before I get outta bed.” At night hanging out on the couch he almost never snuggles. Why can’t we both want to snuggle and just snuggle why do I have to act uninterested or non-chalant to get his attention.

    Last question how much do I have to stroke his ego. Back info : Lots of people have called him arrogant. C is a very physically blessed individual and we he works out he does very well dieting and hitting the gym. I know him and I know every night after he gets home from the gym is gonna be a 20 minute conversation about how good he looks and how bad everyone else looks (the guys he works out with)… E.g Me: Hey babe wow you look really good. You are doing a good job ! C: Yeah I think I am catching up to J and whats sad is I don’t have any real competition up there @ the gym(some muscle head show coming up)  blah blah blah 20 mins later. Me giving kids bath in walks dad who starts flexing in the mirror (we have 2 full baths) and more talking about how awesome he is. I compliment him a lot randomly and do it bc I realize how fragile he is.  Fitness is an important thing. He even made a bet with me that if I work out and build up my butt ( he is an ass thigh guy) He would buy my fake “girls” Which I totally agreed to bc i want them. I’m 5’5″ 115lbs I’m not fat but it seems like he is one not “that” attracted to me or two just likes the idea of a girl working out. How can I get him to stop talking about himself soooo much ? It is very unattractive when someone is always trying to build themselves a shrine or out-do themselves. I even walk up behind him and tell him he is sexy, I answer the phone and say hello handsome. I love complimenting my man but not if I am tryin to keep up with his compliments ! ugh sigh…:) lmao sorry this was longer than i expected. Thanks again !!

    VictorM:

    The problem I have with your two questions is that you want him to change to please your preferences, and that is more often than not, futile. People can be influenced to change personal habits — smoking, biting nails, picking his nose, etc. — but fundamental personality traits have to come from within. All that’s really available to you is how to work on yourself to deal with those behaviors of his that you don’t like.

    I don’t have specifics for you because I don’t have enough information, but I advise you to consider that when you do something over and over and you don’t get the results you hoped for, stop doing it and try something new.

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